don't tell me my business, devil woman!

i like bookstores. it may have something to do with the fact that i like books. just a guess. i don't always buy something, especially now that i am super poor and cannot afford the luxury of a non-essential, non-school book (in the financial department as well as the free-time department). but i still do like to browse.

yesterday, i was in barnes & noble. had there been a powell's books in the area i would have much preferred to go there but since the independent bookstores that exist in new jersey are small enough to fit in my house, i go to barnes & noble. i am a little ashamed but you gotta do what you gotta do. so, after covetting several hardcover-fiction-new-arrivals for about 45 minutes, i headed over to that non-book section that they have. you know, where they sell the puzzles and the journals and other pretty, shiny things that i love and absolutely don't need. on my way there, i passed one of those spinning racks containing those freakishly small "books" filled with sappy advice and sickeningly poignant quotes. i happened to spy one that was entitled "65 things not to do after age 30." having just turned 30 a bit over a month ago, my interest was piqued. i picked it up to see just what kind of nonsense was held within it's tiny pages.

that was a big mistake.

i don't usually become offended in the bookstore (unless i see the name "ann coulter"--then i'm offended and i want to smack a blond republican). but this teeny little "book" really did an excellent job of pissing me off. on multiple levels, nonetheless. quite a feat for such a small "book."

first of all, putting an age limit on activities, habits or choices is slightly, well, arrogant to put it bluntly. i have a hard time agreeing with the idea that someone should or should not do something based purely on their age. how arbitrary can you be? limitations on what you can do based on your height--now that makes sense. "you must be this tall to board this ride." that is a rule i understand. it's a safety issue. too short? well, you might die on the ride. i will follow that rule. but "you must be 29 or under to board this ride." that, my friend, is age-ism. age is just time. time is relative. how can you really measure something that is relative? it's just dumb. that would be reason #1 why i hate this "book." (it's not really a book. it's too small. i have a rule that says "a book must cover an area of at least 20 sq in to be considered a book." see. i can make up rules too, you crappy, age-ist "writer.")

i stumbled upon reason #2 when i actually "read" the "book." i was expecting it to share either ridiculous things to not do after age 30 (like "don't write your resume in crayon") or irresponsible things to not do after age 30 (like "don't drink beer before liquor"). i thought it might be funny or something. maybe interesting in some way. i wasn't expecting to be insulted. i was. perhaps not everyone will be insulted. maybe some people might think that the "author" is dead on. i will vehemently disagree but i will share with you anyway.

disclaimer: these are not direct quotes. i am paraphrasing but you'll get the gist.

"don't get a lower back tattoo." too late! i already have one. got it in 2000 when i was 22. now what? do you think i should have it removed? cover it with makeup? never, ever wear a bathing suit? it's not like a piercing that i can just take out. a tattoo is like a diamond: it's forever. plus, i happen to think my lower back tattoo is quite tasteful. i put it there because it is a dragonfly and i wanted the wings to be on my back. it's symbolic. so, suck it, lady.

speaking of piercings...

"don't pierce anything except your ears." too late again! got my nose pierced at age 23. but at least this time i can remove the problem, thank god. um, it's really too bad that I DON'T WANT TO. i like my nose ring. i got it because i used to hate my nose so i wanted to dress it up and make it feel pretty. i chose a nose ring over plastic surgery. i believe that was a rather wise decision on my part. i guess someone has a different opinion...

"don't play with your hair." what?? why??? and, wait...what exactly do you mean? that can be interpreted many different ways. i will ignore this "rule."

"don't wear your hair in pigtails." hey, i'm not ashamed to say that i do this occasionally. i have really, really long hair and i think it's an interesting hairstyle on an adult when it is done right. sometimes i even like to snazz it up and braid my pigtails (see photo. i'm the one in sunglasses for those of you who haven't seen me in a while. you may click to enlarge). i happen to like it. you don't? oh, gee...i don't care.

i think it is far superior to that big poof that some people feel the need to put on the top of their head when they put their hair in a ponytail. i mean what is that all about? are you trying to make yourself look more like a horse? cuz it's working. (see other photo)

"don't ride a bicycle with a basket or tassels on it." ok, seriously? now you're going to tell me what kind of bike i will ride? what's wrong with a basket? how is that age specific? what if i need to carry stuff? if i can't have a basket, am i allowed to wear a backpack when i ride my bike? what if my bike is lime green? or magenta? (it's not. i don't actually have a bike at all. but i wouldn't rule out a lime green one simply because i'm 30.) when will the nonsense end??

"don't wear thumb rings." now i've just lost my patience with this stupid "book." what in the hell is wrong with thumb rings? am i missing something? not that i've ever worn one but still. i don't get the correlation between my age and a ring on my thumb. since she didn't mention any other fingers, i'm assuming it's ok to wear rings on my other fingers. even a decoder ring? maybe she meant to say "no decoder rings." i can get on board with that one.


personally, i think this crazy bitch is either too uptight, too unhappy with herself or has some kind of personal vendetta against people who partake in styles that she does not appreciate. i understand if you don't want to have your face pierced or wear pigtails but let's try to not be so judgemental, mmmkay?

since this "author" felt the need to share her grievances with the 30+ population with the world, i would like to share my list of rules for the general public. (including "authors" of tiny "books.")

here goes:

• don't be afraid to do something because of what someone else might think about it.
• don't not do anything because you think you're too old to do it.
• don't judge people you don't know based on their age.
• don't be so proud of your closed mind that you decide to write a "book."
• don't forget your manners.

and finally:

• don't hate, congratulate.

i must say, however, that i can't discredit this "author" too much because she did also "write" a "book" that sounds just fascinating; it's called "the night before dog-mas." (you think i'm kidding... dare ya to google it...) well, i'm sure it's a page-turner and will be an instant classic. check the spinning rack at a barnes & noble near you.

wake me up before i go-go crazy.

song of the day: "hells bells"--acdc

you know what? i really dislike my alarm clock. really, really dislike it. i try not to use the word "hate" too often so i will just say that i loathe my alarm clock. now, i realize that this is not an uncommon complaint. there are probably very few people who actually like their alarm clock, with the exception of those obnoxious "morning people" who don't even need to set an alarm. they probably just spring out of bed at the appropriate time everyday and burst into song or something. i am not like this. at all. i need significant prodding to remove myself from my warm, comfortable, beautiful bed, especially if it is before 7am. therefore, an alarm clock is a must. but, as i mentioned before, i don't get along with mine. we are totally fighting right now. it's not only the fact that it wakes me up in the morning; it's also in the way that it choses to do so.

i can not, will not, nor do i think anyone should ever have to wake up to "talk radio." see, i despise "talk radio" (even more than i loathe my alarm clock). and other than just being downright annoying, talk radio does not lend itself to being effective "alarm clock material." instead of waking me up, it generally ends up becoming part of my dream. you know what i mean, right? you're walking down the little street in your little dream world when all of a sudden, some hot, random dude appears and begins informing you that brad pitt and angelina jolie really aren't getting along the way they used to and how he saw it coming from the very beginning. but because it's a dream, it's perfectly normal that hot-random-dude is talking to me about meaningless garbage. so i go with it and listen intently. (this does happen to other people, yes? please say yes...) so, when the meaningless garbage on the radio becomes part of my dream, all bets of me actually waking up in time are officially off. this is why i prefer to wake up to music. unfortunately, most stations feel the need to have one of those ridiculous morning shows during prime alarm clock hours. i'm sorry but there are few worse things than being woken up to one of those spoof songs about britney spears or an insane conversation about how the republicans aren't doing such a bad job after all. what a delightful way to start the day! well, i have been searching for a station that actually plays music in the wee hours of the morning but i have been defeated. there used to be one but it got replaced by an easy listening station and while waking up to mindless chatter is bad, i think waking up to mariah carey's "hero" is slightly worse. so now that there is no music and talk radio is undoubtedly out of the question, that leaves only one wake-up option: the beep.

sweet mother in heaven, the beep on my alarm clock has got to be on the list of "most intolerable noises known to man." it starts out at an incredibly loud level and then proceeds to become even louder and louder with every second until i can muster up the strength to throw my hand down on the snooze button. i should also inform you that i am a snooze button queen. yeah, you hate me, i know. but i don't think it's a choice. i'm pretty sure i do it in my sleep for the first half hour because i rarely remember hitting it as many times as i actually do. i must admit that it's getting slightly out of hand because i need to set my alarm an hour before i should get out of bed. i end up torturing myself (and anyone else within earshot) with this devil noise every nine minutes until i gain enough consciousness to turn the stupid thing off.

well, this morning, i hit a new low: the beep became part of my dream. what is wrong with me? i must really like to sleep. so what is my alternative now? i used to have a timer on one of my lights right by my bed that i set to turn on at 5am when i had to get up at 5:30. i figured that surely the transition from a completely dark room to a 60-watt light bulb in my face would kick my ass straight out of bed. know how i got around that? rolled over and buried my face in my pillow. yup, got pretty good at doing that in my sleep, too. perhaps i could hire someone to come in and jump on my bed every morning? i would probably just start to dream that i was on a boat on the high seas. i wouldn't put it past me. or i could try to find a clock like the kind that they have in cartoons where the big hammer comes out and hits me on the head. now that just might work...

so, i guess it's the beep for me unless there happen to be any new developments in the alarm clock market in the near future. it has been a while since someone decided to update the alarm clock. i think the biggest step they've taken in the past 30 years was switching to digital numbers from those little flaps that used to fall over when the time changed. yeah...those clocks were cool.