the church of bally's

quote of the day:

so i walk up on high
and i step to the edge
to see my world below.
and i laugh at myself
as the tears roll down
cuz it's the world i know.
-collective soul--"the world i know"

well, well, well...i have been absent from this blog for quite some time again, haven't i? i realize i left on a strange note last time. quite the cliff-hanger, really. i would apologize but i must admit that i haven't really been in the mood (or had the time) to post an update to what seemed to be a "girl-in-crisis" type of post. in addition to my mood and lack of time, i was also a little apprehensive to move on from that last post because i wasn't really sure how much had changed since then...at least in a significant way...or significant enough to write a whole new post about it. i also didn't want to cheapen what i was going through by mentioning it too often. i have this theory that the less you pay attention to something, the more it grows. my attempt to ignore my progress has worked for the most part...ahh, but having just mentioned it, perhaps i will regress. i doubt it. i'd like to think i'm stronger than that.


so i just finished spring semester yesterday. i took my last class final ever for this program. this is tremendous news, let me assure you. it marks the end of actual "classes" and marks the beginning of reviewing 2 years worth of information in order to take the registry in august (the final of all finals). i'll still have a clinical rotation and review classes during the week, but no more new material will be entering my brain, which is a relief, because my brain feels pretty full at this point. so, since i'm officially on break, this is my first full day with no schedule and there will be 10 more to follow. most people would be rightfully stoked...me, on the other hand, well...


don't get me wrong, i'm happy to have this time off. ecstatic really. but, to be honest, i don't really know what to do. i am schedule-free for this week, a concept that both excites and terrifies me. see, i'm a schedule girl. i like things in order. i'm not experienced with on-the-fly, spontaneous decisions. i start to get nervous when i don't have anything going on. in fact, i'm "happiest" (and i use this term loosely as i believe it is false "happiness" i'm dealing with) during the week when i have classes and clinical and tests and homework to occupy my time. by the time friday rolls around, i start to get anxious. most people can't wait for the weekend because it's time they get to have to themselves to do whatever they please. i, however, don't think this way. i seem to have acquired a fear of free time. i must be moving or sleeping to remain calm; those are my two options. and, i must say, it's the strangest and most aggravating thing about my personality. why can't i enjoy this? i deserve to enjoy it. i've worked hard the past 2 years, probably harder than i needed to, but that's just the way i'm wired. after all, i am a perfectionist with both a fear of failure and a fear of success. (aren't you at least a little bit glad you're not me? go ahead. you can say it. i won't be angry. in fact, how can i blame you?)


on the plus side, i do recognize that i have issues. (and knowing is half the battle: GO JOE!) looking back, i've realized that i've been this way for a while. i have a problem being still. it almost depresses me. i feel a constant need to do things and go places and have an agenda. so i've been trying to satisfy my restless brain by distracting it with outings. (hey, if you can't beat 'em, join 'em, right?) problem is, i don't have much money to spare these days so i am trying to find cheaper things to keep me on the go. things like the gym, for instance. yes folks, you heard it here first, i've joined a gym. crazy!

well, i was originally looking to take a yoga class. i heard that it's relaxing as well as a good form of exercise which sounded like it was right up my stressed-out alley. i wanted to find a class in a yoga-type establishment but i found out all too quickly that it was way out of my price range. it then occurred to me that yoga is pretty popular these days and that maybe a gym would offer classes (i don't know why it took me so long to figure that out...but it did). i knew it wouldn't be the same as taking a yoga class in a specifically-for-yoga place: the class would be bigger, the lights would be brighter, the sound of weights being slammed down would resonate through the non-echo-proof studio. but if it was significantly cheaper, i would deal. i looked it up online and, sure enough, there was a gym just 3 miles from my house that offered a yoga class. so i signed up and now, just when i thought my world couldn't get any stranger, i'm there pretty much everyday. i know! it's like the world just turned upside-down! i love the yoga class. i actually can't even express my love for it, that's how deep it runs (and i'm not even being sarcastic, if you can believe that). i've also become a huge fan of the elliptical. i try to go 6 days a week and i'm doing pretty well with keeping that commitment. in fact, i think i'm becoming addicted. there's just something about this particular gym that makes me feel at peace. it's really quite strange (especially for me...i haven't always been the biggest fan of exercise).

and though it sounds odd that i seem to have found some sort of peace at the gym, i'll take it. i've been seeking out peace wherever i can find it these days and when i find it, i try not to question how it got there. my tendency has always been to analyze everything until it ceases to exist or until i break it down so much that it loses all of its appeal. i'm trying to let that go, that part of my brain that must know "why" or "how" or "where" or "when." the little news reporter in my mind needs to take an extended vacation so that maybe i can finally get some rest.

i'm starting to learn that not all questions need to be answered. hell, not all questions need to be asked. it has come to my attention that my once natural curiosity has grown into an obsessive, controlling need to solve every problem, unlock every door and ace every test. in theory, it sounds like i have good intentions, like i have some grand scheme to be the best that i can possibly be. i sound like a commercial for the army, for god's sake. some may think there is nothing wrong with being this way. it appears to be quite noble of me to want to live such a perfect existence. but if you were in my head, if you could see the absolute turmoil this creates in my brain, you might have another opinion. i question everything i do, everything anyone else does, things i think i should have done, things that i wish i hadn't done, and so on and so forth. this is why i am stalking peace like tom stalked jerry. these types of thoughts just can't be good for me. through yoga and some books i've been flipping through, i've learned that everyone has these thoughts. the difference is that some people don't hear them screaming at them as loudly as i do. other people chose not to listen. i would love to be that way. i don't know if it's possible to turn off my mind but i do know it's possible to say to it, "please shut your pie hole. i'm attempting to live my life here." so...i'm working on it.

and that, my friends, is where i am right now. better than before, but hopefully not quite as good as tomorrow.

namaste.

i'm too beat to think of a clever title. just go with it.

song of the day: "all will be well" by the gabe dixon band.

i adore this song because i think it fits perfectly into my life right now. i have provided the video below...and hopefully the link will work.

i've always been so impressed by people who go out into the world on their own and create exactly the life that they want for themselves. i'm sure it's not an easy thing to do and i know that being happy doesn't mean that you get everything you want but it seems like such a carefree existence. you decide to do something and then you do it. how magnificently simple. i was envious of these people. i wanted to know why i couldn't do something like that. why did my everyday life seem like such a challenge when other people seemed to just walk right into whatever they wanted? what choices were they making in their lives that i wasn't? or vice versa? was i overthinking? not thinking enough? focusing on something too much or too little? was i making decisions based on what i thought other people wanted from me? or maybe i was being too selfish? life couldn't really be this difficult, could it? i've never really been able to figure it out.

this is not to say, however, that i have lead some sort of horrible life. quite the contrary actually. i'm not even going to try to complain about the circumstances surrounding my life. so far, i've been pretty blessed when all is said and done. the problem that i have is that i'm not happy. and i don't know why. and i don't know how to fix it. yet. plain and simple. so please don't misconstrue my message. i have everything i need, but very little that i want.

i am starting to realize that all those people that i admired are just like me. but there is one very significant difference between us: they know what they want and they are happy with what they have. i think that is where my main problem lies. i don't know what i want. and i don't really know how to know. ya know?

i have spent so much of my life living up to other people's expectations of me. my parents, my family, my teachers, my friends, my bosses...you name someone, and chances are i gave them more power over my life than i ever gave myself. at 31 years old, this is one hell of a hard habit to break.

i went to college because it was what i was supposed to do after high school. i did well in high school, i was in AP and honors classes...what else do you do? it's not that i regret going to college in any way. i made some wonderful, life-long friends and i learned a lot about the world and myself. i wouldn't trade any of that in. but i don't know that it was the best choice for me...because it wasn't necessarily my choice. not that i know what i would have done after high school if i had been given the option in the first place. i probably hadn't made a real decision on my own in my entire life. why start at 18?

the reason i moved to oregon was to finally make a choice for myself. i had no one offering me any advice on the subject. i did that completely for and by myself. i wanted to know what it felt like to have nobody in the world to turn to. i knew that i could call home if i had to but it would have to take effort on my part to do so. there wouldn't be somebody standing behind me with their helpful hints and guiding wisdom. i was out there alone. i thought that this would be the time that i would finally find myself...

well, not really. the thing is, i found other people to replace my parents and family. but not in the good, support-like way. not that they weren't nice people but i let them rule my life just like i had always done. i asked them questions. i did what they did or what they thought i should do. once again, i handed over the control to someone else. i was no longer in the driver's seat. damn.

i'm not too sure what i was thinking while this was all happening. in fact, i'm pretty sure i wasn't really thinking at all. i was in a state of confusion for most of the time i was out there. i definitely had a good time, don't get me wrong, but i didn't understand why i still wasn't happy. isn't this what i wanted? to be out on my own with nobody to tell me what to do or how to live? so why didn't it work? where had i gone wrong again? i didn't realize that i had given up the reigns of my life to other people. i just thought that something must still be missing. i pushed a lot of people away during that time because i thought they were smothering me. looking back on it, they were trying to help me. they were reaching out because they knew me and they knew that i was lost. they were trying to help me get back to myself. but in my eyes, their help was stifling and suffocating. it was the last thing i wanted and probably the only thing i needed.

i remember one day, i must have been 17 or 18 and i was driving along the water somewhere...maybe cape cod, maybe jersey. i looked out towards the water and i saw a sailboat and i thought to myself, "that looks like the ultimate freedom." fast forward a few years later. during my junior year in college i spent a semester at Sea Education Association and learned how to sail a 125-ft tallship. it was one of the most amazing and fulfilling experiences of my life. one day, when we were docked in bermuda, i was aloft in the bosun's chair doing some work on the lines. (see below if you have no idea what a "bosun's chair" is. why would you, really?)



i could see half of the island from up there and i looked out and saw a car driving along the road. i thought of where i was: on a boat, working, at the mercy of my watch officer who was holding me 30-ft in the air by a rope, and the first word that popped into my head when i saw that car was, "freedom." i think that story clearly expresses the dichotomy that i live everyday. i don't know what i want but i think i want whatever i don't have...until, of course, i get it. then i don't know how to enjoy it and i want something else.

this is what i'm working through right now. it is crazy difficult. much tougher than i ever imagined it could ever be. i am sad, lonely, stressed, confused, angry and exhausted. i have been putting this off for so long. i used to blame it on inexperience or a "practice makes perfect" kind of attitude. i thought that if i just gave myself enough time out in the world that everything would fall into place...eventually. but i find myself making the same mistakes over and over again. i hurt people. i hurt myself. then the guilt and the blame settles in and i lose it. i know that i shouldn't beat myself up for the things that i do. i know i should learn from them and move on. i know that everything happens for a reason. but i find it so hard to let go of the things i've done wrong. i punish myself all the time for them. the big mistakes don't happen often. i've found that i'm on about a 4-5 year rotation. but they are still happening. and i am not down with that.

i'm reading several books at the moment to try to figure this all out. i'm also looking into yoga and meditation. i bought myself some herbal tea to try to replace the sleeping pills that i've been relying on too much lately. it's a process, i guess. perhaps my next blog will show some progress...one can dream, huh?

the times, they are a-changin'

soooooooo...2009 is turning out to be quite an interesting year for me.

a short recap:
i turned 31.
my cat knocked a glass of water on my oh-so-necessary-for-school laptop (and rendered it completely useless).
i had my hours cut by almost half at work.
then i got laid off entirely...

and, to top it all off, i had decided sometime in late december that i would start trying to figure out just what the hell i was doing with my life, a process that, as you can imagine, has been mentally, physically and emotionally exhausting, but not one that i am even remotely willing to put on hold now that i have begun it. what can i say? i love a good challenge.

anyway, here i am, 31-years-old, living at home, a few months away from graduation, unemployed, more in debt than i'd like to be and engrossed in a most grueling self-improvement project (it sounds lame, i know but let's just call it that for lack of a better term). but you know what's crazy? i'm remarkably fine with it all. even more than fine. it was like divine intervention or something equally as profound.

see, if you have read previous posts of mine, you'd know that my job was assuredly the most evil thing in my life. i could try to describe it to you but it would just sound like i was whining or bitching or creating some other kind of noise that i don't want to be associated with. and i know that there are thousands of people out there who would kill for the job that i had and i won't even attempt to argue with that. but this job truly stripped me of my spirit. it gutted me everyday i went there (which was 3 times a week). i can't explain it but i know of many (some now ex-)coworkers who felt exactly the same. there was just something insanely oppressive about working there. pair that with the stress i put myself under for school and the stress i feel just being me (reason # 673 why i need a "self-improvement project") and it was just bad news. i was clearly upset to be laid off at first. i was obviously freaked out and didn't know how i would pay for my car, insurance, bills or just life in general. and how was i going to find a job that would fit into my school schedule, a schedule that would be changing again in just a few months? it was panic city, i tell ya. but when i was driving home that night, something clicked and i immediately felt free. it was like the weight of the world had just been lifted off of me. i hadn't been that happy in a long, long time. it was freakin' awesome!

i got home that night, filled for unemployment and went to sleep happy. as it turns out, because of obama, i will be getting just as much money from unemployment as i would have made at my job before they cut my hours. holy crap! and now, i have more time to study, more time to spend on this little project that i've created for myself and more time to de-stress from both of those activities! and i can still have a life because i won't be any more poor than i already was to begin with!

life is great!

then i started wondering... "hmmm...i could have turned into a crazy person from this turn of events...all things considered, i had every reason to freak out...i have definitely freaked out about way less...what the hell happened to me?"

well, i'll tell you what happened to me. up until quite recently, i was one of those people who thought that positive thinking was for losers. what a friggin' waste of time. i was convinced that it was just a new way to get mad at yourself when things went wrong. an example of a supposed optimist's internal thoughts after receiving bad news:

damnit, you didn't get the promotion. it must be because you didn't think
positive enough about it. god, you suck. it's all your fault. blame
yourself, you pessimistic jackass. you're not even good enough at life to
think positively the right way.

see what i mean? can't you just hear charlie brown saying this to himself? so my (former) approach was that i would instead think of all the horrible things that could happen, all the ways in which everything could go terribly, terribly wrong. i would refuse to believe that whatever i wanted to happen would actually happen because then i couldn't be angry at myself if it didn't work out. and as an added bonus, i would be supremely prepared for any and all situations that could possibly occur because i would overly-obsess day and night as to how i would deal with each and every circumstance just in case they panned out...

now do you understand why i am such a ball of stressed-out crazy-lady? how insane was that thinking??? just so i wouldn't be disappointed at the end, i made myself incredibly miserable throughout the entire waiting process!! well, that seems like a good trade-off. jesus.

needless to say, i have a new approach now. i haven't jumped on the optimist's bandwagon just quite yet because i still think that there are some bugs to be worked out in that particular system. but i am working on adopting a slightly more zen way of thinking. obviously, you have no control over what happens to you, good or bad. but you do have control over how you deal with the situation. there is always something to be learned and appreciated from everything that you encounter in your life. it might not be life-changing or mind-blowing but you can take at least something away from it. what you choose to take with you is completely up to you. so i choose only the good things, the meaningful things, the things that make me feel good or happy or peaceful. i'm trying to leave the negativity behind. it's hard, mostly because that is how i've lived for most of my life. but i know i have the will to change that about me. i need to have the will because my only other option is to live miserably and i refuse to do that anymore. it has never yielded the results i sought and i know that it never will.

so, yeah. big things for me in 2009. hopefully great things. only time will tell...

and you thought YOU were strange...

so...i'm not a control freak. no, really, stop laughing, i'm not. well, i'll admit that some people may have a slightly different opinion but to them, i say, "stop talking! it's not your turn!!" ok, so that's an exaggeration. i'm not that bad at all (trust me, i know some serious nutjobs). but i do like certain things to go, look or be certain ways. but, i will have you know that it never interferes with my own or anyone else's life or decisions. i like things in my own life to have some sort of order and i try to not step on any toes. for instance, i have a routine in the shower: shampoo first, followed by conditioner, soap, moisturizing lotion, then shaving. always in that order. always. but my control freak tendencies are very private and i'm rarely "freak-like" about it. just to clarify.

however, the only time i resemble a control freak is if i happen to be in the presence of one. it needs to be a control freak that i don't really like that much or one of my friends that won't punch me in the face for messing with them. but when the time is right, that, my friends, is when i like to partake in one of my favorite pastimes called "control the control freak." it's the most fun game ever! i'm telling you, the next time you hang out with a super controlling weirdo, try to beat them at their own game. if they need something kept in a certain spot, move it when they're not looking and see how many times they will stop what they're doing just to move it back. whatever it is that they feel the need to control, fuck with it. just slightly. it is quite hilarious. is it a little bit evil? of course it is. but the entertaining factor far surpasses any guilt i might feel. try it. you won't regret it, i promise.

i'm sure someone will do it to me one day and i'll realize just how annoying and not funny it really is. but until then...well, i'm poor. and this is free. and oh so much fun...you do the math.

peace in the form of an mp3.

song of the day: "personal jesus" -- depeche mode

i'm convinced that the building that i work in was built on some sort of sacred burial ground. seriously. either that or someone made a deal with the devil during the construction of it. the place just exudes evil. i could be in the best mood ever in my car on the way to work. maybe i had a really good day or just got really awesome news or maybe i'm just friggin' happy for no particular reason at all. but as soon as i put my directional on to make the turn into the parking lot, something changes. i can actually feel my spirits start to fall. it happens every single time, no matter how hard i will it not to. and i've heard other people say the same thing. there is some sort of negative energy radiating from that place. it sucks all the life out of me. by the time i leave, i'm physically and mentally exhausted. but when i start driving home, i'm back to normal. all vital signs return as well as my previous good mood. it's the craziest shit ever.

now, i do filing for a few hours a week (hopefully...i'm a bit concerned i may be laid off soon because it's way slower than it used to be) which means that i walk around alone, shuffling papers from one room to the next. i have a desk but i rarely sit at it and the job is ridiculously mindless. so, since i'm an over-thinker by nature, my brain has an awful lot of free time to bring up all my worries and concerns and any other needless thoughts that can cause me grief. have you ever over analyzed your life when you're in a bad mood? holy crap, it's depressing as all hell! this is a habit i have that i don't like and i am in the process of making it stop ASAP. i'm allowed to listen to my ipod at work which worked for a while. i have about 1200 songs on there and i thought that would be enough for me. but music just hasn't been doing the trick lately. i can tune it out and my brain is still going full speed ahead with new and unusual things i can think about. so what the crap do i do now?

well, i decided that instead of listening to music on my ipod, i was going to listen to audiobooks. i figured listening to a book on my ipod would work much better in the whole distracting department because i'd actually need to listen. and i was right! and to kick it up a notch, i have decided to choose happy, uplifting types of books to make filing in satan's den that much more enjoyable. yet, choosing happy uplifting books did pose somewhat of a problem. i usually enjoy books with a bit of tragedy in them. i don't know why. i love law & order and anything on 20/20 or dateline, true crime, all that nonsense. love it. i couldn't tell you why. but i didn't really think that those types of storylines would serve my purpose very well. so i tried something i never thought i would...the spiritual route...

ok. here's the deal. i don't have a ton of what most would refer to as "spirituality." let me define what i mean here. it's not that i don't believe in a god, per se. it's more that the god that i was introduced to sounded a little bit like, well, a jerk. see, i was raised catholic at a not-so-tolerant church (see previous post "oh, ye of little faith") that governed itself mostly by promoting fear and guilt in it's parishioners while still managing to breed hatred and judgment. coming out of my confirmation, i was torn between believing what i was supposed to believe and believing what i thought i should believe. they were two very, very different things.

as a teenager, i was a confused catholic. as an adult, i essentially became an agnostic, neither denying nor confirming my belief in anything. i was jaded, annoyed and kinda pissed that i spent so much time committing myself to a religion that i truly despised. how dare they tell me that god loves everyone as long as they follow the rules. step outside the boundary just a little and you're no longer welcome. that's not unconditional love; it's a sham.

so needless to say, for the past 10 years or so, anytime anyone mentioned anything slightly "spiritual" to me, i sort of turned a deaf ear. i listened to what they had to say and just smiled and nodded and left it at that. i didn't have a problem with other people's beliefs, i just never saw them as my own. i tried a few different avenues here and there but nothing ever really interested me. i was completely and totally turned off by the entire subject.

until now.

this book is awesome.

the funny thing is, i used to hate crap like this. it seemed so hokey and granola and just, well, ridiculous to me. you're telling me that a book written by one dude is gonna change my life? oh, puh-lease. but the truth is that it did. big time. i'll admit that there were some parts where i rolled my eyes a little but it was only at some of the language that he used, not the message. i'm not going to get all personal and explain why this book was so unbelievably life-changing for me. in fact, i don't even know that i could. and it doesn't really say anything that i didn't already know was true. i think i was just ready to hear it and, more than that, ready to accept it.

my day goes by much quicker at work now and my mood has improved exponentially while i'm there. in fact, listening to things like this doesn't just maintain my happiness, it actually brings the level up a few degrees from wherever it was. it turns a not-so-good day into a good day and good day into a great day.

i mentioned faith in one of my previous posts and i think that religion and spirituality are things i needed to come to terms with on my own. i wouldn't allow the catholic church to force me into believing what they thought was right because i knew it was wrong...for me. i have faith but it's in myself, not in something that i can't see or feel. and i don't think there's anything wrong with that. and i don't think any unconditional-love-proclaiming god would either.

age ain't nothin' but a number...except if you're slicing meat.

song of the day: "edge of seventeen" -- stevie nicks

well, i lied. i did have time to post a blog before i went to AC. fancy that... and you, reader, are in luck! this is a good one. know what i learned today? now, brace yourself cuz it is highly interesting and thought-provoking...ready?? you sure??? ok, here it is: you need to be 18 in order to operate a meat slicer.

so, i was walking past the deli counter at my local A&P and noticed a large sign proclaiming just that fact, starting with the exclamation: "safety first!" several things intrigued me about this.

first of all, is this a state law? an A&P law? does the federal government get involved in this decision? maybe the manager of the store likes to make rules and guidelines that are there just to anger and confuse his younger employees? maybe like so...

storeclerk billy: "but why? why, manager bob, can't i slice meat? i'll be 18 in june..."
manager bob: "i already told you, it's a rule, billy, and rules are meant to be followed. now go mop aisle eight."

now that i think about it, i did see hand-written notes all over the registers threatening the consequences of employee cell-phone use while ringing people up and what might happen if they don't greet and inform the customers of specific savings...yeah, this manager sounds a little like a douchebag. let's just blame it on him/her for a bit.

my next question is why exactly 18? you can definitely work at the deli when you're 16 (personally, i worked at the mall when i was 16 but i did grow up in jersey) so...what's up with the meat slicer? i'm assuming it's because it's so sharp? a 16-year-old would surely cut himself with a meat slicer but once you're 18, well, you're just too wise and learned to make that mistake. in almost every state, you can drive a car when you're 16. cars are incredibly lethal. you're steering around literal tons of metal, plastic and gasoline. yet 16 seems just about right for that...interesting. in some states, you can drive a tractor when you're 12. that seems infinitely more dangerous than operating a meat slicer to me. is anyone with me on this? i mean, look at this thing!!

and what about if you're 75? with the economy the way it is right now, a lot of retirees are returning to the workforce... i'm not saying i'm ageist (see blog post "don't tell me my business, devil woman" ) but if you're having trouble trusting a strapping young lad or lady of 17 with the harrowing challenge of slicing meat, then there must be a foreseeable problem with the other side of the spectrum, no? i think grandpa has just as good a chance of losing a digit as a high school junior does. but maybe that's just me.

i'd also like to know if there are any other pieces of supermarket kitchen equipment you can't use until your 18. the oven? (oooohhh, it's hot. don't touch, billy.) the stand mixer? (watch out for the blade! it spins super fast!) a really, really sharp potato peeler? (i'm not providing a visual for this one. i'll let you imagine what might happen there.) i mean, you could conceivably kill/maim yourself or others with anything at all. a cinnamon stick could be a weapon if you use it in just the right way. i'm right, right?

so, because i am insanely devoted to this crazy blog, i did actually take time out of my day to google "meat slicer operation" to find out exactly who is in charge of this whole deal. turns out, it's the united states department of labor. apparently, these meat slicing machines are considered to be "hazardous." it seems to be, however, that they are only speaking of "commercial" meat slicers. those are the only ones that can really destroy your underaged children. so your average everyday meat slicer that you can buy at, say, target, hey, go ahead and get your 4-year-old to do your dirty work. they can slice meat all day long. it's all good according to the u.s. department of labor. what a bunch of weirdos...

fighting, screwing and reading the news.

here's a little something to tide you over until i return.



and then in case you're not fully entertained...there's this. i could watch this for hours. in fact, one day when i was stuck behind the front desk at work (accompanied by my awesome co-worker), i did. that was a good day...

failure...but with a twist!

song of the day: "running on faith" -- eric clapton

i've been a horrible blogger. and i admit it. i've actually already written one of these "amy sucks at blogging lately" posts at some point in the past so i will spare anyone the same old excuses and nonsense as to why i have been absent/silent/lazy/uninspired, etc.

instead, i vow to change my ways...for reals. i've said it before, i know, and you're probably thinking that this post will be followed by months of silence and then another apologetic post about my lack of writing. let me assure you i will try my best to make sure that doesn't happen. mostly because i would be excruciatingly embarrassed and have to resign completely from the blogging community. actually, they might excommunicate me at that point. i mean, seriously, how many chances should i be given? i'm a firm believer in second chances but thirds? that's just a little crazy. actually, i think this may be my fourth chance. shameful...

now, just to dash your hopes a little tiny bit, i don't have time today to write anything of real significance today. i'm leaving for AC (that's "atlantic city" for all you non-jersey dwellers) in a little while for an x-ray conference and massive amounts of drinking. i'll be back by the weekend, both to my home and to my blog.

so have some faith. that's basically what i'm runnin' on these days...