i'm too beat to think of a clever title. just go with it.

song of the day: "all will be well" by the gabe dixon band.

i adore this song because i think it fits perfectly into my life right now. i have provided the video below...and hopefully the link will work.

i've always been so impressed by people who go out into the world on their own and create exactly the life that they want for themselves. i'm sure it's not an easy thing to do and i know that being happy doesn't mean that you get everything you want but it seems like such a carefree existence. you decide to do something and then you do it. how magnificently simple. i was envious of these people. i wanted to know why i couldn't do something like that. why did my everyday life seem like such a challenge when other people seemed to just walk right into whatever they wanted? what choices were they making in their lives that i wasn't? or vice versa? was i overthinking? not thinking enough? focusing on something too much or too little? was i making decisions based on what i thought other people wanted from me? or maybe i was being too selfish? life couldn't really be this difficult, could it? i've never really been able to figure it out.

this is not to say, however, that i have lead some sort of horrible life. quite the contrary actually. i'm not even going to try to complain about the circumstances surrounding my life. so far, i've been pretty blessed when all is said and done. the problem that i have is that i'm not happy. and i don't know why. and i don't know how to fix it. yet. plain and simple. so please don't misconstrue my message. i have everything i need, but very little that i want.

i am starting to realize that all those people that i admired are just like me. but there is one very significant difference between us: they know what they want and they are happy with what they have. i think that is where my main problem lies. i don't know what i want. and i don't really know how to know. ya know?

i have spent so much of my life living up to other people's expectations of me. my parents, my family, my teachers, my friends, my bosses...you name someone, and chances are i gave them more power over my life than i ever gave myself. at 31 years old, this is one hell of a hard habit to break.

i went to college because it was what i was supposed to do after high school. i did well in high school, i was in AP and honors classes...what else do you do? it's not that i regret going to college in any way. i made some wonderful, life-long friends and i learned a lot about the world and myself. i wouldn't trade any of that in. but i don't know that it was the best choice for me...because it wasn't necessarily my choice. not that i know what i would have done after high school if i had been given the option in the first place. i probably hadn't made a real decision on my own in my entire life. why start at 18?

the reason i moved to oregon was to finally make a choice for myself. i had no one offering me any advice on the subject. i did that completely for and by myself. i wanted to know what it felt like to have nobody in the world to turn to. i knew that i could call home if i had to but it would have to take effort on my part to do so. there wouldn't be somebody standing behind me with their helpful hints and guiding wisdom. i was out there alone. i thought that this would be the time that i would finally find myself...

well, not really. the thing is, i found other people to replace my parents and family. but not in the good, support-like way. not that they weren't nice people but i let them rule my life just like i had always done. i asked them questions. i did what they did or what they thought i should do. once again, i handed over the control to someone else. i was no longer in the driver's seat. damn.

i'm not too sure what i was thinking while this was all happening. in fact, i'm pretty sure i wasn't really thinking at all. i was in a state of confusion for most of the time i was out there. i definitely had a good time, don't get me wrong, but i didn't understand why i still wasn't happy. isn't this what i wanted? to be out on my own with nobody to tell me what to do or how to live? so why didn't it work? where had i gone wrong again? i didn't realize that i had given up the reigns of my life to other people. i just thought that something must still be missing. i pushed a lot of people away during that time because i thought they were smothering me. looking back on it, they were trying to help me. they were reaching out because they knew me and they knew that i was lost. they were trying to help me get back to myself. but in my eyes, their help was stifling and suffocating. it was the last thing i wanted and probably the only thing i needed.

i remember one day, i must have been 17 or 18 and i was driving along the water somewhere...maybe cape cod, maybe jersey. i looked out towards the water and i saw a sailboat and i thought to myself, "that looks like the ultimate freedom." fast forward a few years later. during my junior year in college i spent a semester at Sea Education Association and learned how to sail a 125-ft tallship. it was one of the most amazing and fulfilling experiences of my life. one day, when we were docked in bermuda, i was aloft in the bosun's chair doing some work on the lines. (see below if you have no idea what a "bosun's chair" is. why would you, really?)



i could see half of the island from up there and i looked out and saw a car driving along the road. i thought of where i was: on a boat, working, at the mercy of my watch officer who was holding me 30-ft in the air by a rope, and the first word that popped into my head when i saw that car was, "freedom." i think that story clearly expresses the dichotomy that i live everyday. i don't know what i want but i think i want whatever i don't have...until, of course, i get it. then i don't know how to enjoy it and i want something else.

this is what i'm working through right now. it is crazy difficult. much tougher than i ever imagined it could ever be. i am sad, lonely, stressed, confused, angry and exhausted. i have been putting this off for so long. i used to blame it on inexperience or a "practice makes perfect" kind of attitude. i thought that if i just gave myself enough time out in the world that everything would fall into place...eventually. but i find myself making the same mistakes over and over again. i hurt people. i hurt myself. then the guilt and the blame settles in and i lose it. i know that i shouldn't beat myself up for the things that i do. i know i should learn from them and move on. i know that everything happens for a reason. but i find it so hard to let go of the things i've done wrong. i punish myself all the time for them. the big mistakes don't happen often. i've found that i'm on about a 4-5 year rotation. but they are still happening. and i am not down with that.

i'm reading several books at the moment to try to figure this all out. i'm also looking into yoga and meditation. i bought myself some herbal tea to try to replace the sleeping pills that i've been relying on too much lately. it's a process, i guess. perhaps my next blog will show some progress...one can dream, huh?