Just watched this tonight and I love it. I was already referred to as a hero once this week and this seemed to pull everything that I have found, lost, remembered, fought, hidden or drowned out together in one crazy message that is telling me:
I.
Will.
Get.
There.
There will probably be another upcoming post about this movie...just as a warning...
15 March 2012
12 March 2012
This Stream of Consciousness is Brought to You by the Letter "I"
It's 5am and I've been up for...4 hours now. It seems my insomnia, which had disappeared and given me a much needed break, has returned which means I may need to start taking something for it again. I thought maybe I had learned to quiet my mind enough to keep it from waking me up but not tonight it seems. Even my brand new, cloud-like, delicious mattress isn't helping at the moment. Money can't buy everything, I guess.
Perhaps it's just the Claritin-D that I took 12 hours ago that I had to drive to Vancouver to obtain because of Oregon's "prescription only" law. Wait, will that get me arrested? Technically, I still have my NJ license and could feasibly be on vacation right now...which is kind of what this entire move back to Portland has felt like anyway.
My past 4 vacations have been to this city so it makes sense that I still haven't quite realized that this is "for real." I'm here. My car is here. My cats are here. A small portion of my belongings are here. But it feels like my brain hasn't caught up yet. This was a big move, even bigger than the first time I moved here because, this time, I want it to be permanent. And it will be. The first time around, I was a 22-year-old looking for adventure. This time, I'm a 34-year-old looking for stability, peace, a little adventure but mostly the groundwork that the rest of my life will lie on (or is it "lay on"? Not sure...).
It feels like I'm starting from the ground-up, which actually feels really nice. I stripped my life of all things illusionary or false, both intentionally and unintentionally, consciously and subconsciously. I went from a scream to a whisper and now I'm just learning how to talk, to myself and to others. Everything I have acquired while I've been here, in the material and spiritual sense, has been something I truly needed. This has solidified my hunch that needs and wants are rarely the same thing. And that's okay because as it's been said, "Remember that not getting what you want is sometimes a wonderful stroke of luck." Thank you, Dalai Lama.
Up until a few years ago, I always secretly wanted to punch the people who said "everything happens for a reason." Not because I didn't necessarily think it was true but because they always seemed to be the people who never had anything "happen" to them. But everyone struggles, regardless of whether anyone else sees it. Some people keep their suffering to themselves, while others wear it like a badge of honor. Neither is the "right" way to do it, there is only the right way for you to do it. So take advice, try something you wouldn't have imagined you'd ever do, take a walk on the wild side because you never know where it will bring you. But remember that, in the morning, you are who you wake up to and your actions are your own; it helps if you are proud of them. At the end of the day, if you can relax and say to yourself, "I did my best today" then you're doing alright.
I'm doing okay (despite the lack of sleep) and I hope you are too.
Perhaps it's just the Claritin-D that I took 12 hours ago that I had to drive to Vancouver to obtain because of Oregon's "prescription only" law. Wait, will that get me arrested? Technically, I still have my NJ license and could feasibly be on vacation right now...which is kind of what this entire move back to Portland has felt like anyway.
My past 4 vacations have been to this city so it makes sense that I still haven't quite realized that this is "for real." I'm here. My car is here. My cats are here. A small portion of my belongings are here. But it feels like my brain hasn't caught up yet. This was a big move, even bigger than the first time I moved here because, this time, I want it to be permanent. And it will be. The first time around, I was a 22-year-old looking for adventure. This time, I'm a 34-year-old looking for stability, peace, a little adventure but mostly the groundwork that the rest of my life will lie on (or is it "lay on"? Not sure...).
It feels like I'm starting from the ground-up, which actually feels really nice. I stripped my life of all things illusionary or false, both intentionally and unintentionally, consciously and subconsciously. I went from a scream to a whisper and now I'm just learning how to talk, to myself and to others. Everything I have acquired while I've been here, in the material and spiritual sense, has been something I truly needed. This has solidified my hunch that needs and wants are rarely the same thing. And that's okay because as it's been said, "Remember that not getting what you want is sometimes a wonderful stroke of luck." Thank you, Dalai Lama.
Up until a few years ago, I always secretly wanted to punch the people who said "everything happens for a reason." Not because I didn't necessarily think it was true but because they always seemed to be the people who never had anything "happen" to them. But everyone struggles, regardless of whether anyone else sees it. Some people keep their suffering to themselves, while others wear it like a badge of honor. Neither is the "right" way to do it, there is only the right way for you to do it. So take advice, try something you wouldn't have imagined you'd ever do, take a walk on the wild side because you never know where it will bring you. But remember that, in the morning, you are who you wake up to and your actions are your own; it helps if you are proud of them. At the end of the day, if you can relax and say to yourself, "I did my best today" then you're doing alright.
I'm doing okay (despite the lack of sleep) and I hope you are too.
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