crap-ass xmas carols.

song of the day: anything on "holly, xm radio station 103"
word of the day: shutup!!!!!

as most of you know (because you know me), i'm not terribly fond of christmas music. i am going to use this opportunity to explain why this is so.

ahem.

perhaps you are thinking, maybe she just doesn't like xmas. this is not the case. i don't like how commercialized it has become (just like charlie brown). but i really think that when you try hard enough, you can actually have a decent xmas by simply ignoring all the people around you who are scurrying around trying to find ridiculous presents for people they don't know who probably don't want a present from them anyway. simplicistic values flourish in the xmas season, contrary to popular belief. less really is more, at least in my personal opinion. and by less i mean "stuff" and by more i mean "thought." so, no, i do not hate x-mas.

maybe if you don't know me, you might think i hate music. for all you out there who do know me and are laughing right now, you know that is a ludicrous statement. but, you are getting warmer...

let me just start by saying this: most xmas music sucks. it does. admit it. the melodies are boring and repetitive. the lyrics are terrifying. and must they all involve a flute? for the most part, it's just bad music altogether. not to mention the fact that everyone and their friggin mother has to get in on the deal. how many people really need to come out with their own rendition of "have yourself a merry little xmas?" it seems like there are an awful lot of people who think they can do just a slightly better job than the 50 million other people who have already recorded that damn song. it's not that i don't like the song itself (my personal favorite version is with john denver and rolf, the muppet dog) but you can really only hear it so many times before it crawls underneath your skin and starts gnawing at things, as is true with almost any song.

that brings me to my next point: please, consumer, let me cram this music down your throat. why do we need to start listening to it before thanksgiving? why are there radio stations that completely discard their normal genre of music in order to play xmas music 24 hours a day? i understand that it has been proven that people spend more money when they hear xmas music in the store they are shopping in but i work at a service center for cars. what exactly are those people going to spend more money on? "oh, hell. i know i don't need 'em but throw some brakes on there too. hey, it's xmas!!" i just don't see it happening. why, then, am i listening to jingle bells in the filing room?

my third point: who the hell wrote this shit? has anyone heard "hey santa" by wilson philips? holy god, that is an absolutely horrible, horrible song! let's not even get into the fact that it's sung by the most annoying trio of women i could imagine. and there's one song called "the holiday season" that could very possibly be my least favorite song in the whole entire world. here are some lyrics from that piece of garbage:

It's the holiday season
And Santa Claus has got a toy
For every good girl and good little boy
He's a great big bundle of joy
He'll be coming down the chimney, down
Coming down the chimney, down
He'll have a big fat pack upon his back
And lots of goodies for you and me
So leave a peppermint stick for old St. Nick
Hanging on the Christmas tree
It's the holiday season
With the whoop-de-do and hickory dock
And don't forget to hang up your sock
Cause just exactly at 12 o'clock
He'll be coming down the chimney
Coming down the chimney
Coming down the chimney, down!

what the french toast??? "a big fat pack upon his back"?? that sounds pornographic! and what's this "whoop-de-do and hickory dock" business? are those biblical terms???

and why do so many songs need to make such a big deal about being "home for the holidays?" ya know, some people can't go home for the holidays. many times, it is the same people who are forced to listen to this bullcrap all day at work because they work in retail and, if they live far from home, aren't allowed to go home for the holidays. after all, it is the busiest time of the year. take me, for example. i moved 3000 miles away from my entire family, made the "decision" to work in retail and then had to listen about how everything is just so much more spectacular when you can spend xmas at home. well that's just great. i can't afford to go home, my boss won't let me go home even if i could and now i'm forced to listen to these morons tell me how empty my life will be because "i will (not) be home for christmas."

so there you have it. with all that said, there are actually a few xmas songs that, when i am permitted to listen to them on my own terms a week or so before xmas, i actually enjoy. i shall list them for you:

river -- joni mitchell
2000 miles -- the pretenders
christmas time is here -- vince guaraldi
the entire john denver & the muppets album
celebrate me home -- kenny loggins
o holy night -- pavarotti
last christmas -- wham!
(christmas) baby please come home -- u2
do they know it's christmas? -- various artists

i'm sure there are a few others but that's generally it.

i hope this has cleared some things up. i'm not a "scrooge," i'm just very selective about my holiday music. but only 8 more days til i can start listening to the radio in my car again. insert: big, giant sigh of relief....

new jersey and you: perfect together. well...maybe not you. but perhaps you? definitely not you though.

song of the day: "jersey clowns" -- josh rouse

i really hate new jersey. i do. it should be no surprise to anyone i know by now. it's cramped. it's ugly. it smells...bad. but what bothers me most about it is not so much the place itself but how it has the capability to affect me. there is a negativity here unlike any place i've ever seen. it just lingers in the air. you can almost feel it. (you might think you can almost smell it, but that's just staten island.) i take responsibility for my own actions but you know when you're concentrating really hard on doing something and someone keeps repeating your name or poking you in the back over and over and over and over.... and then you just snap and say "knock it OFF!!!" you know when that happens??? that's kind of like what it's like to live here. someone is almost always poking you in the back. over and over and...you want to ignore the little obnoxious things but they build and build until you do something absolutely unnecessary that almost borders on crazy. oh, it's a fun place to live.

today, i yelled at a remarkably old lady (not directly) who was going 5 miles under the speed limit. who does that?? well, people around here do it all the time. it's not just me, although that doesn't make me feel any less ashamed for having done it. i have tried, i mean really tried, to not let stupid things bother me in such a volatile way but it is harder than you'd think. when you're surrounded by intense negativity, it takes a lot of energy to not fall into the trap and become negative yourself. what's so weird about it to me is that i would have thought that being a witness to all this negativity would be a catalyst to become more positive. you see all these nasty people walking around and you think to yourself, "i'll never be like that." it's not so. at least not for me and not on such a large scale. i can handle one or two or even a dozen negative people in one place (let's use my job as an example) but after a while, it gets tiring and i start to get discouraged. that's ususally when my fall from grace occurs and i join the ranks of the bitter and disheartened. i become the kind of person that i just hated. that feels pretty crappy.

i don't ever want to be put in the same category as the majority of the people that live around me. unfortunately, i can't very well say to every single person i meet "yes, i'm from around here but i don't fit in. i'm not like them." it's just not possible...especially when i yell at elderly women through my windshield.

i'm not trying to put myself in the victim slot in this scenerio, although it may seem that way. but i really do believe that the kind of person you are and the kind of decisions you make are at least partially based on the environment you are in. it's that whole nurture/nature deal. both are important and i think it really has to do with how easily you are affected by your surroundings. when i lived in pdx, i rarely found myself getting angry at strangers for exhibiting largely acceptable behavior (except perhaps when i worked at the kk but that's a whole other story). for some reason though, it's very easy in nj to curse out someone who takes a millisecond longer than you think it should take to make that right-hand turn. (you will notice an awful lot of my frustration is driving related...if you have never driven in jersey, put it on your "1000 things not to do before you die" list.)

so, with all that said, i am trying again to break free of this cycle. everytime i realized i've fallen below the caliber of person i want to be, i begin again. fall down seven times, stand up eight. well, actually i'm working on falling down roughly 34,000 times, stand up 34,001. hopefully, i will only have to continue doing this until i graduate in 2 years. then we'll see if a change in venue will actually alter my behavior. i hope so. it's so much easier to blame jersey for my downfalls.

happiness is just a twist-off away.

song of the day: "cold beer and remote control" -- indigo girls

just how excited should one person be about the thought of beer? well, the other day after i got home from a particularly aggravating day of gathering knowledge on how to take x-rays, i sat down to eat dinner. i was also watching tv, checking my email and sorting through the regular mail (i like to multi-task) when a vision appeared in my head: a lonely corona in the back of the refrigerator. i literally jumped off my chair and exclaimed, "oh! beer!!!" now let us ignore the fact that nobody else was home when i shouted out my joyful noise but focus on my reaction to a bottle of beer. it was as though i had just discovered a new planet or a friend i hadn't seen in ten years was standing at my front door. you know that feeling you get when you spot money on the ground? yeah, it was like that, except instead of the usual quarter, it was a hundered. a benjamin, if you will.

i was a little bit shocked to realize how happy a 3-month old beer could make me. it wasn't even that good but, damn, it put me in a superiorly fantastic mood. i've always known that it's the little things that generally make me happy...but this is bordering on ridiculous.

(by the way, i am fully aware that coronas, like many imported beers, are not twist-offs. i just liked the way it sounded in my title. so there.)

utopia lost.

i found out some horribly tragic news tonight about the city i love and a friend i knew. he wasn't one of my closest friends but he was a close friend of one of my closest friends in portland. he was murdered in his own home in north portland. they aren't sure but i think the police believe it was a burglary. i am dumbstruck right now. i can't process it. i'm exhausted but i can't sleep. i can't think of anything but what a good person he was. i had hung out with him a bunch of times and he was always so funny and happy and so sweet. and now he's gone for no reason and it's just so crazy. i know it's thanksgiving and i don't mean to put a damper on the holiday but i can't help but think that this is a reminder to be thankful of everything you have and every breath you take. so much time is wasted on meaningless crap and it's just such an incredible shame. my heart goes out to his family and all of his friends. i can't imagine what they must be going through. i wish all of you a safe holiday.

pilgrims rock!

what's up with snow before thanksgiving? i don't remember this happening too often but it happened today. i had to scrape snow and fallen leaves off my car windows this morning and like 4 days ago it was 60 degrees. there are still some trees in my neighborhood with green leaves. hi, global warming.

speaking of thanksgiving, let's talk a little bit about my favorite holiday in the whole wide world. it's the one national holiday that doesn't anger me in some way. christmas is annoying because people start preparing for it so far in advance that by the time it comes, nobody really feels like celebrating it anymore. halloween is mostly for kids (even though some adults get into it in slightly disturbing ways). easter is really pointless unless you're religious (which i'm not. see previous post: oh, ye of little faith). 4th of july? it's alright, i guess. i don't usually do anything except drink until fireworks become more entertaining...so, yeah, thanksgiving: two thumbs up. plus, any day that is devoted entirely to eating and drinking is my kind of holiday. not to mention the fact that my family does it right. my mom is probably one of the best cooks i know (and it's not just because she's my mom). the only person i know who is on par with my mom is my aunt (my mom's sister interestingly enough). and who does all the cooking for thanksgiving? why, my mom and my aunt, of course. it's very simple but so amazingly good.

i'll give you a run down of our menu:

• turkey, always 1 ovenroasted, sometimes a deep fried one and/or a smoked one in addition (depending on how ambitious my cousins are)
• turnips (sounds gross but sooooo good)
• mashed potatoes (sometimes done in the twice baked version)
• green beans with almonds
• mashed sweet potatoes
• stuffed mushrooms (those were my idea about 15 years ago and it stuck)
• cornbread and sausage stuffing (made from scratch, not out of a box)
• cranberry sauce (both canned and homemade)
• a whole lot of wine

dessert:

• pumpkin pie
• pecan pie
• sweet potato pie
• apple cake
• homemade whipped cream

mmmm...so excited for thanksgiving... only bad part about this fantastic day: it usually marks the beginning of christmas music. death to whoever thought this was a good idea. i don't want to hear stupid xmas music until like 3 days before xmas. unfortunately, this means i wouldn't be able to: have my radio on in the car, go to the grocery store, go to any store, watch tv or go to work. so...it seems like i will have to grin and bear it like i do every other year. oh well, at least i'll always have thanksgiving...

please pass me my red plastic shovel.

do you remember being the age that you actually thought it was possible to dig your way to china? i do. i tried a couple of times on the beach at long pond on cape cod. i thought i was making pretty good progress when i would hit water. i don't know why this would have been seen as a good sign but it always seemed to please me.

oh, what sweet bliss to be so ridiculously naiive.

oh, ye of little faith.

word of the day: pious: (adj) having or exhibiting religious reverence; also: marked by false devoutness; solemnly hypocritical.
song of the day: "losing my religion" -- r.e.m.

sometimes i wonder if all catholics question their faith at some point, if not totally abandon it forever. as much as i hate to admit to being a quitter, i am a catholicism abandoner. there. i said it.

it's not so much the "jesus" thing that bothers me. i think it's the "high horse" thing. now, most of my extended family still consider themselves to be practicing catholics. they do the whole church-every-sunday thing and the invite-the-local-priest-to-family-functions thing. their children are alter boys/girls. they know all the responses to all the prayers and when they're supposed to sit, kneel, stand, pray, look guilty, etc during mass. but what they seem to do extraordinarily well is look down upon those that don't know exactly what's going on in church; they notice that there are people (namely, me) who haven't memorized all the words to the entire mass, that we roll our eyes when we have to stand up again (we just sat down, for god's sake), and that we wouldn't know the priest if he whacked the back of our hands with a yard stick. (it's lucky that the priest wears that little collar thing or i definitely would never recognize him. phew. at least someone's trying to help me out.)

i was never brought to church by my parents when i was younger. not even on easter or christmas. my parents weren't that big on it which was fine with me. i did the whole ccd/communion/confirmation thing basically for my grandmother. i didn't really have an opinion either way and it seemed to make her happy so, why not? but as i got older, i started rethinking the catholic thing and, now, i basically don't agree with too many of their basic principles. so, here i stand, virtually religionless by choice.

now, i'm only speaking for the catholics i come in direct contact with because i'm sure there are some out there who don't try to make you feel bad all the time, but why do they try to make you feel bad all the time? doesn't this go against some sort of apostle-like teaching? isn't there a leper story i could tell here? i thought catholics were supposed to be forgiving. they sure use that word a lot. i haven't had too many experiences with catholics that involved a whole lot of forgiveness. or tolerance. or thoughts free from judgment. these are all things i thought (and was taught in those helpful and interesting ccd classes) that true catholics were supposed to be practicing.

i know what you're thinking: that this has nothing to do with anyone judging me; that this is all in my head; that it is just guilt that has made me so paranoid. and why, pray tell, would i being feeling guilty? because i was raised catholic, that's why! they started teaching "how to feel guilty 101" before anything else. here is a fond memory of my catholic upbringing: i was 7 years old and i had misplaced my ccd book so i did not bring it to class. i remember my mom kept telling me in the car on the way there, "say you can't find it. don't say you forgot it." to her, there seemed to be a big difference between the lost book and the forgotten book. being seven, when the nun asked where my book was, i said i forgot it. sweet jesus, you would have thought that i had just slapped her across her little nun face. she went on and on (in front of the whole class no less) about how crazy it was that i could forget the one and only thing i was supposed to bring with me to class. granted, she was kind of right but i was SEVEN! cut me some friggin' slack!! my mom, who attended only catholic schools, was probably trying to save me some grief. she was so adamant about me saying that my book was lost and not forgotten that i'm assuming she had been in or witnessed a similar "nun freakout." perhaps all nuns are taught to belittle the forgetters and forgive the losers. maybe if she knew i had lost my book the nun would have tried to help me by saying a prayer to st. anthony to find it. for all you non-catholics out there, he's the patron saint of lost stuff. we used to pray to him all the time when my dad (named: anthony. go figure) couldn't find his keys. (i use "pray" here very loosely--basically, just merely uttering the phrase "say a prayer to st. anthony" constituted an actual "prayer." i told you my parents weren't religious.) but i guess there isn't a saint for forgotten books. i'm sure that nun prayed for me that night, though.

so...perhaps this is why i "left the church." i still blame the church for why i'm no longer a "follower." and i stand my ground on the belief that my holier-than-thou relatives are judging me. if you knew them, you'd agree. it's not that they're bad people; they just don't understand my decision to take another religious route (which i'm still deciding on.) so, at the next family mass i'm forced to go to, when i don't go up to receive communion (because in addition to not being a catholic, i'm also not a hypocrite) my catholic relatives can sit (or is it kneel?) and look down their catholic noses at me all they want. they can even pray for me if they feel it is necessary. but it's ok. i will forgive them.

the one and only good thing about my job.

song of the day: "lay your hands on me" -- the thompson twins

three cheers for the full body massage!!! i had one yesterday (a holiday present from my insanely wealthy employer—he gave one to all the office employees and service advisors in the entire company) and it was glorious. it was my second one ever and i really wish i could afford to have one at least twice a year. they are just the most amazing things—and, if you know me at all, you’ll know i’m not a big fan of people entering my personal space. but it just feels too good to let that get in the way.

the only thing about this one that bothered me just a little is that she was talking to me while she was massaging me. now, i don’t know about you but when i’m being massaged, i like to pretend someone hot, like, say, matt damon, is massaging me. not that this woman was unattractive but you know what i mean. so when you’re talking to me and you don’t sound like matt damon, you’re kind of ruining my experience. luckily, she put a lid on it after about 5 minutes and let matt do his job. since i hold all my tension in my back and shoulders, it tends to spread to my arms and legs if i don’t do something about it. so this was absolute perfect timing because i was just starting to feel mounting pressure in my shoulders and, now, it’s gone!

i love you, full body massage! you rock my world!

good thing i get 30 miles to the gallon.

song of the day: "on the road to find out" -- cat stevens

two days in a row now i've done something i haven't done in a really long time: i got lost. i'm usually not a fan of losing my way. i use mapquest or google maps whenever i need to go somewhere i've never been, even if i kind of know where it is, and especially if i have some type of appointment for which i shouldn't be late. i tend to arrive at least 15 minutes early for everything. i usually overestimate how much time most things will take. but i forgot that getting lost can be kind of fun.

yesterday, i kind of got lost on purpose. i was having my oil changed somewhere i've never been before. i checked on mapquest before i left for how to get there and how to get back, like i always do. on my way home, however, i missed my turn. i could have made a u-turn but i was on a really nasty road with a divider and i would have had to wait for a jug-handle so i just turned off the next road. i was just far enough from home to make it interesting but not scary. i made turns where i thought i should and eventually found a road i recognized. then, when i found out i was going the wrong way on that road (towards the town of elizabeth--no good), i made a u-turn and went home. today's adventure was not planned. the town of milburn planned it for me by deciding to repave part of my route home. but i did the same thing and eventually made it home.

although the rising price of gas will most likely decrease my chances of getting lost on purpose anytime in the near future, i realized that it definitely has its benefits. as lame as it may sound, it reminded me that i am more self-sufficient than i think i am, that getting lost both physically and figuratively can be the answer to that question i've been asking myself, and, perhaps most importantly, that i am my own tom-tom.

so my advice to you is this: get lost. you never know what you might find.

some may say i have too much time on my hands...

i wrote a song about sweaters. it goes a little something like this:


i love sweaters.
yes, i love sweaters.
i like 'em so much
'cause they make me feel better.

they keep me warm
when my house is cold.
i like my gray one best
even though it's old.

sweaters are nice.
sweaters are good.
i just got a purple one.
and it has a hood!

oh, i love sweaters.
who doesn't love sweaterrrrrrrrs?
whoever doesn't
should be hit upside the head-er.


tada!
sorry about the last line. not too many words rhyme with sweater.

no door is this heavy.

word of the day: altruism (noun) unselfish concern for the welfare of others
song of the day: "let my love open the door" -- pete townsend

i really hate to dump on jersey all the time but, good god, it's just so flippin' easy. people are constantly giving me reason to ball my fists and mutter under my breath and today, i'll have you know, was no exception.

i stopped by quick chek this morning for coffee (is quick chek a national chain? i'm not sure. but just so you know, i am spelling it right--no second "c" in the "check"). i wish there was a place that sold better coffee that was just as convenient but that would be too much to ask so quick chek it is. i was walking up to the front entrance and i noticed a woman keeping the door open for me. let me just say that this gesture is uncommon in this area. actually, most polite gestures are uncommon in this area but this one in particular is virtually extinct. i don't really remember what the protocol was in portland, oregon...did people hold doors open there? maybe it was so normal that i never noticed. i do remember significant door holding in college. people in massachusetts would wait for someone who was a half a mile away. i thought that was a bit excessive and sometimes, if the door was being held for me, i would feel as though i should sprint so i didn't waste more of the doorholder's time. occasionally, on the days i didn't feel like running, i would change my route or start rummaging through my bag so the doorholder would give up on me and just continue on their way.

so, anyway, this morning, as force of habit, i did the quick jog thing to make it look like i was at least semi-appreciative. and as always, when my hand came in contact with the door, i said "thank you." well, this crazy lunatic obviously didn't hear me thank her because she turned around with this look on her face like i had just kicked her in the shin and said in sarcastic annoyance, "you're welcome." i just looked at her with what i am sure was exhausted disgust and quietly said "i said thank you." she then mumbled something unintelligible that i believe was a version of "sorry, i'm a stupid jackass who is angry at the world."

my question is: why, WHY, did you hold the door open for me? was it to be nice? was is because it is what you think you should do? because you wanted to? you were bored? had extra time? what?? because i really don't need your politeness if you immediately follow it with unnecessary nastiness. really. don't do me any favors. while i am grateful that you thought of me, i'm perfectly capable of opening a door. i did go to college. if the whole point of your good deed is to get a thank you out of it (which i did give; you just weren't listening, you cranky quick chek shopper), then maybe you should rethink your good-deed-doing. there was a "friends" episode about this. phoebe made a bet with joey that there are good deeds that can be done without expecting that feel-good feeling afterwards. she let a bee sting her to make the bee look manly in front of his bee friends. then joey pointed out that the bee probably died after it stung her. so nobody won. something to think about all you door-holder-thank-you-awaiters out there. i'm not in any way advocating the lack of a "thank you" when a "thank you" is due, but if you do something nice to be nice, leave it at that. your expectations just make you look petty instead of the chivalrous outcome you were going for.

but, to be honest, i can't say i blame the cranky quick chek shopper that much for her bad attitude. after all, she does live in this wretched state full of ungrateful, selfish maniacs. maybe someone had just cut her off in the parking lot. who knows? but i can be sure of one thing: if she tries holding the door open for me again, i'm going to pretend i need to tie my shoe.

maybe they meant "park(ing lot) ranger?"

word of the day: superfluous: (adj) in excess of what is required or sufficient.
song of the day: "big yellow taxi" -- joni mitchell

while driving the other day, i found myself behind the middlesex county park ranger. you may not think this is strange. but, then again, you may not know where i live either. middlesex county, nj isn't exactly the kind of area one would think of as a "park setting." there's not really a huge amount of leafy vegetation. we do have trees and stuff but they're not usually grouped together. what we call "parks" are generally small patches of grass sprinkled with a few trees, picnic tables and those bbq grills made out of half an oil drum. there may also be a softball or soccer field if you're lucky. maybe a man-made lake that needs those fountains in the middle to keep it from sprouting that green stuff. i don't see any of these areas requiring anything more than a small lawn mower and someone to empty the dunkin' donuts cups from the numerous garbage cans. maintenance: yes. park ranger: huh?

when i tried to picture who was driving,
this is what popped into my head.

we aren't really known for our parks in jersey. it's not our thing. unless you're speaking of "menlo park mall." we're very proud of that. people come all the way from connecticut to shop there. we also have several thousand "corporate parks." lots of fresh air there. yeah...so parks, not so much. we do have a large amount of pavement and concrete. and giant, vacant houses and office space. (we like to build, whether or not anyone is actually looking to buy). my hometown, which is in middlesex county, was also home to one of the east coast's worst toxic waste dumps, kin-buc. yeah, it was a superfund site. ah, there's no place like home... (http://www.contienviro.com/projfolder/kin_buc_landfill_superfund_site.pdf --> in case you wanted more info about picturesque edison, nj)

so, that being said, i'm not too sure what this "park ranger" does for a living. i would love to know how much s/he gets paid for this "ranging." i am slightly proud to mention that s/he was driving a ford escape hybrid. though i don't know if the hybrid suvs get any better gas mileage than my non-hybrid corolla, i would have expected a jersey park ranger to be cruising around in a fully-loaded expedition or an escalade or something equally ridiculous. something with chrome rims, tints and a spoiler. maybe even a hummer. that would be totally jersey. we do have some pretty rugged terrain. i mean, some parts of the state are even above sea level. (just as a side note, i hate hummers. i find them completely and totally ludicrous out of the context of the military. do you drive through a lake on your way to work? no? then why a hummer? why?)

needless to say, i was so shocked by the sight of this seemingly unneeded profession that i thought it required visual documentation. it was akin to a bigfoot or loch ness monster sighting. i wanted proof i actually witnessed this just in case nobody believed me.

so sad yet so true...forget "the garden state," that should be our state motto.

unlike the allman brothers, i was not born a ramblin' man.

word of the day: compendious: (adj) containing or stating briefly and concisely all the essentials; succinct.
song of the day: "enjoy the silence" -- depeche mode.

hi, my name is amy and i am a woman of few spoken words. apparently, some people have issues with this. let me elaborate.

i'm sure you've met someone like me before--at a party or other social event or you've passed me by at work or taken a class with me. you may have had the fleeting thought of: "damn, she sure doesn't talk much." for those who think this quietly to themselves, i don't mind; they're right. however, i will occasionally have the pleasure of someone saying to my face, "you don't talk much, do you?" well, way to state the obvious, dummy. why would you chose to say this (in front of an audience no less)? i would never walk up to someone i barely know and say, "good god, you talk a lot." that would be rude, right? well, allow me to say that i feel the same way about this situation. it's like pointing out to someone that they have a big nose; you don't go there. i despise this type of interaction. it's just confrontational enough to anger me but ends up making me look like a total jackass if i actually show it. and, just so you know, the fact that i have yet to speak doesn't mean i can't hear you insulting me. it's almost as if they're thinking, "oh, i'll poke fun at the mute. she doesn't talk so she must not yell either." i'm not a mime, people. if i think you're being a total jerk, i won't make a sad face and walk away; i will tear you a new one.

now, i'm sure that not all people who inquire about my quiet nature are trying to annoy or insult me on purpose. i think they're just misinformed about quiet people. i'm friends with many "talkers" and they're fantastic company. they also respect the fact that i'm not a talker. they don't say things like "so, why don't you talk more?" how should i respond to that? "i don't friggin know, it's just how i was born." does that work? ask me a real question if you're so interested in how little i talk. anything, really. ask me what my favorite cheese is (huntsman) or what my middle name is (longer story than you might think). be creative. and it's not like i'm holding my breath just waiting for someone to ask me a question. it seems that some people think i need help joining conversations. note to these people: i do not need to be saved from my own quietness. if you're generally interested in what i have to say, that's one thing. but i'm no damsel so you can go put the white horse back in the stable. after all, you have the problem with my quietness, not me.

my silence is nothing personal, i swear. i'd rather say something meaningful instead of blurting out whatever pops into my head. and, truth be told, i like listening. you tend to learn some interesting things by keeping your mouth shut and your ears open. so i like my place in life as the listener. but some people just can't seem to handle it.

i'm not quite sure why these people bother me so much...maybe i'm defensive that they question my demeanor in such a blunt way. or maybe i wish they would leave me alone and let me talk when i have something of meaning to say. or maybe i'm slightly envious of those who could carry on a conversation with a bar stool if they really had to and instead of dealing with my jealousy, i'm choosing to vent. whatever the reason, can't we all just get along? i'm quiet; why do people feel the need to bring it up? if that's all you can think of to say to me, better to just shut it up.

basically, my point here is that i'm tired of being labeled as "timid" or "shy," especially when it's implied that those are bad things. i'm sick of people thinking that i must be some kind of social outcast because i don't have a comment for everything. i'm not mute, stupid or mean. there's a lot going on in this self-restrained mind of mine so be careful what you wish for...you may find it's harder to get me to shutup once i've started.

and for all you people out there who respect my quiet personality, i salute you. you have made my life a much more comfortable place.

so this blog is kinda nice. there's no one here to call attention to my silence, because even though there may be no sound, i am still communicating. (strange how that works...) there is silence enough for me to speak. so speak i will.