I'm Goin' Mobile

Turns out Blogger has an app...obviously. So now I can bring you super deep thoughts from the road! Don't worry, you can thank me later.

So today's ponderings ( not a real word--don't care) came after a much needed talk with a good friend. I started thinking about forgiveness and standards and how the actions of those around me can have such an amazing impact on my day, health, actions, reactions and life in general. I realized that forgiveness really is easy...but you have to *want* to forgive. Otherwise, it's damn near impossible.

I'm a pretty forgiving person. I lean towards the line of thinking that people are generally good. Few people go out of their way to hurt others, especially those close to them. There are misunderstandings and miscommunications and actions that take place out of anger or fear. But, generally speaking, people are pretty good at protecting themselves and, a lot of the time, this comes out as misdirected anger towards another when it is really ourselves we want to take it out on. I recognize this and can usually talk my way into letting it go and moving on. And I genuinely appreciate it when this door swings both ways.

Occasionally though, something is just unforgivable. I hate to say that and maybe I don't mean it quite that way. I know that refusing forgiveness is not about the other person, it's about me refusing to let something affect me for longer than it needs to. But just how far am I willing to go? What kinds of actions am I unwilling to forgive? Or are there any?

Perhaps I should define "forgiveness." I'm referring to the act of not holding a grudge, not carrying around hurt or anger with me everywhere I go. My definition does not include letting this person back into my life in the same way they were allowed before, and maybe not at all. Each situation is obviously different and, in each case, I must decide how much of what I'm feeling is anger towards that person and what is me protecting myself from this person. Because there is a difference.

There are lines that we all draw and I think they are where they are for a reason. Sometimes we need to evaluate why the lines are further out or closer in than maybe they should be. But other times, they are exactly where they are because that is exactly where they are meant to be.

So I'm taking it day by day, seeing how I feel, discovering what feels ok and what doesn't, what I'm willing to work on and what might be a lost cause. It feels pretty good to be in control of my surroundings in this way. It's my bubble, my protection and I'm calling the shots.

Mid-Winter Break Ambitions

I have so much to get done over the next few months and I'm hoping I have the sanity to deal with it. The stress of school is enough to get to me even without working, being in a new relationship, personal issues and the like. I may have to bite the bullet and be okay with "less than acceptable grades" for the next two terms. Fortunately for me, "less than acceptable" means a B, and I'm willing to be okay with a B-. I am. Really. Or I will be.

The rest of my to-do list is a jumble of personal goals.

• I want to run a 10k for a cause that is unbearably close to my heart. If I can't find one, I've considered trying to organize one. Yes.
• I need to start taking steps to properly take care of my emotional health. This one is a doozy but the bonus is that I will be happier in the long run. 
• I want to try Bikram Yoga. It's hot (105 degrees). It's tough (26 poses designed to pinpoint every key muscle in your body). And it's badass (like me).
• I'd like to volunteer my time (when I get some) to helping people who have been where I've been, especially now that I've realized the full extent of my experiences. They say helping others is one of the best ways of helping yourself. Win-win. I like those odds.
• I'm thinking of starting a PostSecret project...but the details on that one I'm keeping to myself.
• I'm going to try to blog more often. (HA! When have I typed THAT before?)

So there's my list. We shall see what happens once school starts up again and I slowly lose my mind but if I can accomplish one of these things (okay, maybe two), then I'll consider that a success.

I'll take a cup of kindness yet...

I keep trying to write a post about my first year back in Portland. I hit the anniversary of my arrival in my favorite city a few weeks ago but I've been planning on writing a blog entry about it for a while now. The problem is that as soon as I try to start typing, everything leaves my mind. A blank screen usually has the opposite effect on me where ideas and words start spilling out all over each other, each thought wanting to get top billing so that it comes out in a jumbled mess that I then have to sort through and edit for far longer than it took me to write the damn thing in the first place. But, at this point, I'd prefer that approach as opposed to what I'm experiencing now...which is silence. Void. It's frustrating because I have so much to say.

This has been an epic year for me in wonderful, horrible, exciting, debilitating, terrifying, exhilarating, hurtful, healing ways. I have been through a lifetime of emotions in just twelve short months, a time period that sped by and seemed to take a thousand years.

I've learned incredible things about myself and the people by whom I'm surrounded.
I figured out how weak and how strong I can actually be.
I discovered my breaking points and pushed others to theirs.
I found my self-worth in the most awful place possible.
I learned that I am a hero, both to myself and to some others as well.

I had originally decided to list all the great things I accomplished this year but I realized that it would make them seem trite and the list would most likely depress me while leaving others unimpressed. After all, the list itself is not that important. The point is that I'm trying new things. I'm out in the world, giving myself the chance to succeed and understanding that the fear of failure is just that: a fear. Failure doesn't actually exist unless you do nothing at all. Yoda had it right: Do or Do Not. There is no Try. Because Trying something is success, no matter the outcome. If things don't come out exactly the way you had hoped, there is always (and I mean ALWAYS) a lesson to be learned. Most of the time, there are multiple lessons and, if you're lucky, you'll discover some answers or at least start on the path towards finding them.

 The truth is that I'm no longer taking part in the Blame Game. Life is life. Good or bad. You will have wonderful things happen to you and you will have less than wonderful things happen to you. Sometimes awful things will happen to you. But you keep going because stopping is not an option. You learn what you need to do to make things right for yourself. It can take a while to discover what that is or how to go about making it happen but you learn the ways to heal yourself while continuing to live and breathe and function at whatever level you can in order to survive. You will be judged and forgotten. You will be loved and inspiring. You will be something different to every single life you come in contact with so don't worry about doing the Right Thing or trying to make someone else happy because you will inevitably disappoint. And the chance that you will disappoint the one person you were seeking to please is not far-fetched. And then where are you? So you do what makes you genuinely happy because, until you're happy, you'll never find happiness in anything or anyone else. 

My New Year's Day was Christmas Day this year for a reason that is too personal, emotional, humiliating and scary to share. Maybe one day it won't seem so silencing but, for the time being, all anyone needs to know is that I'm simultaneously starting over and continuing my journey. It's a new beginning but I'm still the same me.

 And THAT is fucking wonderful.