On This Day in History (2011)...

I'm a big milestone girl. You know, like, anniversaries for major moments and stuff like that. If only because I think they offer a good reference point to see how far you've come (or how much things have remained the same) in the time that has passed. Today is the three year anniversary of the day I started my drive back to Portland from NJ. I remember this morning distinctly, like it was yesterday.

I got up earlier than I needed to so I could say goodbye to my sister before she left for work. I recall this goodbye being more poignant than I thought it would be because of my cats (everyone loves my cats, even people who don't like cats). I didn't take this personally--I'm not over sentimental and, let's be honest, I was moving to Oregon, not the moon. I had originally wanted to leave by 8am but my mom had made breakfast for me and Nicole (my travel companion who had flown in from PDX the night before specifically to make the drive with me) and I found myself lingering in the house I had lived in for the past 6 years. I was so ready to leave but I wanted to make sure it didn't look like I was bolting.

My timing for this move was a surprise to me and even more so for my parents. I was planning a departure in August of 2012 but my circumstances changed at the end of October 2011 and I was able to push it up. I think they were in shock, assuming they had me around for 8 more months, which would allow them to get used to the idea that I was moving across the country again. But now, with just over 30 days notice, I figured they could use every minute I could give them. I didn't want to throw my timetable off too much so I think we ended up leaving around 10am.

The song on my iPod as I pulled away from my house was Jay-Z's "Empire State" (unintentional, I think) and our first stop was about 1/16th of a mile away for gas. Then, it was off to I-80.

It snowed a little bit in Pennsylvania and my cats meowed incessantly (this happened for the majority of the trip, especially when I was driving and they couldn't see me...or was it when I wasn't driving and they could see me? I can't remember that part). We spent our first night in a tiny town in Ohio that reminded me of Bedford Falls from It's a Wonderful Life; the municipal building was fully lit and played Christmas music that was audible throughout the town square. We ate at a dark, deserted restaurant that I would call a pub but I can't recall if they actually served beer. I had nachos.

That was my day, three years ago.

Today, I'm relaxing before work tonight, alternating between reading, writing and Netflix. I'm headed to the grocery store in a few to pick up coffee and food for the week. It'll be an easier week at my full-time job as the doctor is out of the office Monday through Wednesday and I'll have abbreviated hours as well as the office to myself. On Friday, I have orientation at the Portland VA to start my volunteer position in the film library. My cats that everyone loves are sleeping by my feet. So, yeah, I've made progress since that first day in the car with my wheels and heart pointed towards Portland. This is my home now and that fact is only reinforced with every day I spend here.

A Farewell to Crazy

A few weeks ago, I found myself in the peculiar situation of being in my mid-thirties and having my best friend of 20 years end our friendship with a text message.

Now, I was never a fan of the text message when they first became popular. I didn't understand how this was easier than just calling someone. Back in the day, when phones with querty keyboards didn't exist, you were hitting A LOT of buttons just to punch out a 3-word sentence. It took effort. In fact, my very first text message was from this same friendship-ending dude (he was always quite fond of the text; still is, I guess) in 2004 and I had no idea how I was supposed to respond with my flip phone. So I called him. I'm much more text-friendly now; I generally prefer it to a real phone call unless there are extensive, complicated issues at hand. Here's where I beg the question: Don't you think ending a 20-year friendship is extensive or, at the very least, complicated? 'Cause I do. But it seems my friend (wait...do I need to say ex-friend now?) disagreed. Or, technically, his wife disagreed. But until a few weeks ago, I was unaware that those two things meant exactly the same thing.

Unfortunately, my friend (I can't say ex-friend. It's just too 7th grade) married a crazy person who has hated me since the day I met her a little over three years ago. This doesn't make her special. She's not the first of his girlfriends to hate me based solely on my existence. It is strange to me, however, as my friend and I have never dated, never were "more than friends" and that was always fine with both of us. He's not my type and I'm not his. But friendship suited us. Crazy Wife decided this was suspicious. Or malicious. Or irked her. Or threatened her. Or made her feel like she wasn't the only important person in her husband's life. Or...it beats me, actually, because I never received an explanation. Just a text.
Voila:

There was no follow up text. I texted back some thoughts. No response. I left voicemails. No response. I wasn't really expecting one but, still. He's not a cruel person, which is why I know he's not fully behind this whole thing. Texts in the weeks leading up to this didn't seem to have the same message. I'll let you decide. (The first messages from me where I express I was nervous about calling or texting had everything to do with pissing off Crazy Wife. Just an FYI.)

There was a 45 minute phone conversation the day after the last text here. Then, 3 days later, the friendship-ocalypse text. I'm no Sherlock Holmes but...

This woman has been manipulating him pretty much since they first met. And it wasn't entirely surprising that I would be out soon. It's sad...for him. I don't have to deal with her on a daily basis and, for some reason he was never quite able to articulate to me in words, he chose to sign up for this. My guess is he's in his mid-thirties and desperate to get married.

So, the following is my Farewell to Crazy. I sent this as an email to my friend. I'm not expecting a response (Crazy Wife probably hacks his phone regularly). But closure is a beautiful thing. Behold:

"Since you couldn’t give me a proper goodbye, I’ll give you mine. I’m sure you weren’t permitted to send more than a two sentence text message, anyway. My condolences. Good luck with that. So, here you go:

Although I know this wasn’t actually your choice, you’ll regret handling this situation the way you did instead of giving me the respect I deserve. I never once gave you a reason to treat me like that and I hope it haunts you for a long, long time. This decision of "yours" will placate her for a while and then there will be something else that you will need to give up to make her happy. And it will happen again and again and again. Because now that she knows you'll give up a 20 year friendship (not an ex, not an acquaintance, not someone you met at a bar), you've opened the door for anything. I know from personal experience that this is a never-ending road that has twists and turns and drop offs and roadblocks. I don't do it anymore because it's impossible. I could be praised or ostracized for my actions and I never quite know what direction I'm heading towards. But I don't care because I have my life back.

You give up things for another person; you give up bad habits; you don't give up people. I hope you realize how cruel this relationship has made you. And no matter how badly she wants me to just disappear from your life, you know that I may be gone physically, but I’ll always be there emotionally and mentally. You can't remove people in that capacity who have been loyal and supported your decisions, regardless of their opinions of them. I disagreed with your decisions to continue with this relationship because I knew things exactly like this would happen, but I supported your choices. I never thought you’d take it this far. That stuff she posted about "far happier is the man who finds a true friend in his wife"? I never made you choose between her and our friendship and I never would have. A true friend (or wife) has their friend's best interests at heart; what she has is control. She’s selfish and, as someone who is the opposite of selfish, you deserve better than that. You're hurting yourself to compensate for her shortcomings and that's pretty scary. And when you get tired of giving up things that matter to you in order to make someone else happy, you're going to think about that text message and the conversation you should have had with me instead. 

I'm fully aware that your life is different now; as is mine--we talked about that the other night. But the reason I couldn't go to your wedding is because the person you were marrying hates me for absolutely no good reason. That’s how your life is different. Lives change all the time but you've become unrecognizable to me after this. It was completely out of the blue; no warning, no explanation. Just 3 days earlier, we had a 45 minute conversation to catch up on our lives. You actually told me that talking to me was not a problem. I’d love to know what happened in those 72 hours to completely change that forever.

My mom feels sorry for you. She knows the lifelong struggle you are in for by dealing with this. I don’t feel sorry for you. You chose this relationship and it has already changed you into someone else. The you I knew just 3 years ago would never have done this. Not to me or anyone important to you. And maybe the reason you didn't give me a proper "goodbye" is because you knew I'd come at you with all of this. And that, while this might feel like the right choice at this moment, you will realize in time that it was a huge mistake."