oh, ye of little faith.

word of the day: pious: (adj) having or exhibiting religious reverence; also: marked by false devoutness; solemnly hypocritical.
song of the day: "losing my religion" -- r.e.m.

sometimes i wonder if all catholics question their faith at some point, if not totally abandon it forever. as much as i hate to admit to being a quitter, i am a catholicism abandoner. there. i said it.

it's not so much the "jesus" thing that bothers me. i think it's the "high horse" thing. now, most of my extended family still consider themselves to be practicing catholics. they do the whole church-every-sunday thing and the invite-the-local-priest-to-family-functions thing. their children are alter boys/girls. they know all the responses to all the prayers and when they're supposed to sit, kneel, stand, pray, look guilty, etc during mass. but what they seem to do extraordinarily well is look down upon those that don't know exactly what's going on in church; they notice that there are people (namely, me) who haven't memorized all the words to the entire mass, that we roll our eyes when we have to stand up again (we just sat down, for god's sake), and that we wouldn't know the priest if he whacked the back of our hands with a yard stick. (it's lucky that the priest wears that little collar thing or i definitely would never recognize him. phew. at least someone's trying to help me out.)

i was never brought to church by my parents when i was younger. not even on easter or christmas. my parents weren't that big on it which was fine with me. i did the whole ccd/communion/confirmation thing basically for my grandmother. i didn't really have an opinion either way and it seemed to make her happy so, why not? but as i got older, i started rethinking the catholic thing and, now, i basically don't agree with too many of their basic principles. so, here i stand, virtually religionless by choice.

now, i'm only speaking for the catholics i come in direct contact with because i'm sure there are some out there who don't try to make you feel bad all the time, but why do they try to make you feel bad all the time? doesn't this go against some sort of apostle-like teaching? isn't there a leper story i could tell here? i thought catholics were supposed to be forgiving. they sure use that word a lot. i haven't had too many experiences with catholics that involved a whole lot of forgiveness. or tolerance. or thoughts free from judgment. these are all things i thought (and was taught in those helpful and interesting ccd classes) that true catholics were supposed to be practicing.

i know what you're thinking: that this has nothing to do with anyone judging me; that this is all in my head; that it is just guilt that has made me so paranoid. and why, pray tell, would i being feeling guilty? because i was raised catholic, that's why! they started teaching "how to feel guilty 101" before anything else. here is a fond memory of my catholic upbringing: i was 7 years old and i had misplaced my ccd book so i did not bring it to class. i remember my mom kept telling me in the car on the way there, "say you can't find it. don't say you forgot it." to her, there seemed to be a big difference between the lost book and the forgotten book. being seven, when the nun asked where my book was, i said i forgot it. sweet jesus, you would have thought that i had just slapped her across her little nun face. she went on and on (in front of the whole class no less) about how crazy it was that i could forget the one and only thing i was supposed to bring with me to class. granted, she was kind of right but i was SEVEN! cut me some friggin' slack!! my mom, who attended only catholic schools, was probably trying to save me some grief. she was so adamant about me saying that my book was lost and not forgotten that i'm assuming she had been in or witnessed a similar "nun freakout." perhaps all nuns are taught to belittle the forgetters and forgive the losers. maybe if she knew i had lost my book the nun would have tried to help me by saying a prayer to st. anthony to find it. for all you non-catholics out there, he's the patron saint of lost stuff. we used to pray to him all the time when my dad (named: anthony. go figure) couldn't find his keys. (i use "pray" here very loosely--basically, just merely uttering the phrase "say a prayer to st. anthony" constituted an actual "prayer." i told you my parents weren't religious.) but i guess there isn't a saint for forgotten books. i'm sure that nun prayed for me that night, though.

so...perhaps this is why i "left the church." i still blame the church for why i'm no longer a "follower." and i stand my ground on the belief that my holier-than-thou relatives are judging me. if you knew them, you'd agree. it's not that they're bad people; they just don't understand my decision to take another religious route (which i'm still deciding on.) so, at the next family mass i'm forced to go to, when i don't go up to receive communion (because in addition to not being a catholic, i'm also not a hypocrite) my catholic relatives can sit (or is it kneel?) and look down their catholic noses at me all they want. they can even pray for me if they feel it is necessary. but it's ok. i will forgive them.