age ain't nothin' but a number...except if you're slicing meat.

song of the day: "edge of seventeen" -- stevie nicks

well, i lied. i did have time to post a blog before i went to AC. fancy that... and you, reader, are in luck! this is a good one. know what i learned today? now, brace yourself cuz it is highly interesting and thought-provoking...ready?? you sure??? ok, here it is: you need to be 18 in order to operate a meat slicer.

so, i was walking past the deli counter at my local A&P and noticed a large sign proclaiming just that fact, starting with the exclamation: "safety first!" several things intrigued me about this.

first of all, is this a state law? an A&P law? does the federal government get involved in this decision? maybe the manager of the store likes to make rules and guidelines that are there just to anger and confuse his younger employees? maybe like so...

storeclerk billy: "but why? why, manager bob, can't i slice meat? i'll be 18 in june..."
manager bob: "i already told you, it's a rule, billy, and rules are meant to be followed. now go mop aisle eight."

now that i think about it, i did see hand-written notes all over the registers threatening the consequences of employee cell-phone use while ringing people up and what might happen if they don't greet and inform the customers of specific savings...yeah, this manager sounds a little like a douchebag. let's just blame it on him/her for a bit.

my next question is why exactly 18? you can definitely work at the deli when you're 16 (personally, i worked at the mall when i was 16 but i did grow up in jersey) so...what's up with the meat slicer? i'm assuming it's because it's so sharp? a 16-year-old would surely cut himself with a meat slicer but once you're 18, well, you're just too wise and learned to make that mistake. in almost every state, you can drive a car when you're 16. cars are incredibly lethal. you're steering around literal tons of metal, plastic and gasoline. yet 16 seems just about right for that...interesting. in some states, you can drive a tractor when you're 12. that seems infinitely more dangerous than operating a meat slicer to me. is anyone with me on this? i mean, look at this thing!!

and what about if you're 75? with the economy the way it is right now, a lot of retirees are returning to the workforce... i'm not saying i'm ageist (see blog post "don't tell me my business, devil woman" ) but if you're having trouble trusting a strapping young lad or lady of 17 with the harrowing challenge of slicing meat, then there must be a foreseeable problem with the other side of the spectrum, no? i think grandpa has just as good a chance of losing a digit as a high school junior does. but maybe that's just me.

i'd also like to know if there are any other pieces of supermarket kitchen equipment you can't use until your 18. the oven? (oooohhh, it's hot. don't touch, billy.) the stand mixer? (watch out for the blade! it spins super fast!) a really, really sharp potato peeler? (i'm not providing a visual for this one. i'll let you imagine what might happen there.) i mean, you could conceivably kill/maim yourself or others with anything at all. a cinnamon stick could be a weapon if you use it in just the right way. i'm right, right?

so, because i am insanely devoted to this crazy blog, i did actually take time out of my day to google "meat slicer operation" to find out exactly who is in charge of this whole deal. turns out, it's the united states department of labor. apparently, these meat slicing machines are considered to be "hazardous." it seems to be, however, that they are only speaking of "commercial" meat slicers. those are the only ones that can really destroy your underaged children. so your average everyday meat slicer that you can buy at, say, target, hey, go ahead and get your 4-year-old to do your dirty work. they can slice meat all day long. it's all good according to the u.s. department of labor. what a bunch of weirdos...