"new york minute" -- don henley
so i realize that i'm suckin' at the whole blog thing recently. it's not at all that i don't want to blog on a regular basis; in fact, it's just the contrary. i wish i had more to blog about but the problem seems to be that everything i think of to say is markedly uninteresting. i realize that it's just a blog and not the new york times but i have this obnoxious part of my personality that thinks that if i can't do something well, i shouldn't do it at all. it's a combination of procrastination and perfectionism (both of which are absolutely annoying traits and, when paired together, can be confused for laziness). it's not the healthiest way to be and i'm trying to let go of my fear of failure (or, more precisely, not achieving perfection) but i find it very hard to sign my name to mediocre work. and, as you all know, it is extremely easy to create mediocre writing. its downright effortless.
watch:
the dog ran down the street. it was fast. a man yelled the dog's name. the dog ran home.
see how crappy that is? it took me no time at all, much to your surprise, i'm sure. but i did actually see this particular dog scenario happen today. i could have written about it but didn't for the following reasons:
- i don't think anyone cares if i saw a dog today. i don't even care. i see dogs all the time. and i'm sure you do too.
- even if i did care that i saw a dog today and wanted to share it with my blog-reading friends, the story would need a major overhaul to say the least. actually, there really is no story so i would have to think of one. then, i would say to myself "is this dog story really worth the time and thought it would take me to create a somewhat interesting blog?" the answer is usually "hell no."
anyway, i did actually have something else to blog about besides the reasons behind why i don't blog.
the hospital where i do the clinical portion of my school was having their inspection this week so they told us we couldn't come. that meant that i had the day off yesterday. woohoo! i was initially going to have my oil changed and maybe go to target to solve a storage problem i seem to be having. my mom was going into nyc to have her hair done and asked if i wanted to go so i put the errands off and went with her. i've never gone into new york by myself, except to change trains in penn station. when i go to the city, there is always a plan of some sort; there is no wandering so i thought it would be kinda cool to have no agenda. i brought some of my school stuff to study and my newly purchased red ipod which i adore with all of my heart. it turned out to be such a cool day.
when i go to nyc, i like to pretend i live there. it's such a different place from anywhere i've ever been and i have a strange respect for the people who can manage to exist in that world. i'd like to think that i would do well there. after i walked with my mom to the salon, i went to get coffee then walked over to central park where i found a bench and studied and people-watched for a while. then i just sort of wandered around the park for while. it was slightly surreal to have my headphones on while walking through the park because it was so quiet that if i was looking down, i could almost forget that i was in one of the most crowded cities in the world. it was even more eerie to look up and see all the ridiculously huge buildings that surround the park but still hear no sounds that resembled "city noise." once you get close to street though, it all comes back. there are more people, more sirens, more car horns, more construction. but i didn't mind. it fits there. i would be freaked out if the city were quiet. after that, i walked around the streets with the fancy apartments on them on the upper east side, got mistaken for a resident (which always makes me happy--i like to fit in) and then had to blow my cover when i admitted that i didn't know where the crosstown bus stopped, stopped at a starbucks and studied some more. then i met my mom, we had lunch at soupman ("no soup for you!") and went home. it was a really good day.
it reminded me of the days when i first moved to portland and had weekdays off (gotta love retail). i lived right on the edge of downtown then so i would grab my backpack, throw a book and my cd player in it (sometimes my camera, too) and walk down to the river. i walked aimlessly around, just taking everything in. every now and then, i miss living in a city. it's such a different atmosphere from the suburbs and i forget how much i love it until i get there. i'm not saying that i would like to live in nyc (although if i could afford it, i wouldn't rule it out) but i would like to start going more often. there's something about it that motivates me. it makes me want to accomplish things. everyone else around seems so busy that i start thinking, "hey, i should do stuff, too." it was definitely a needed change of pace from my suburban existence.
but now i'm back in my reality. i will need to get that oil change tomorrow and eventually visit the storage aisle in target. it's nice to get away from normality for a few hours every now and then but normal is also normal for a reason. in a strange way, my little excursion made me realize that i'm happy with where i am right now. even though i'm still in school. even though i have no money. even though i spend 2 days a week at a job i really don't like. even though (and perhaps because) i'm single and have no immediate prospects. i'm happy with all of that not despite of it, but because i have a feeling that i'm on my way to something good.
and that, my friends, is my blog for the day...but hopefully not for the month.
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