jersey pride! well, not really...

for your reading pleasure, i have provided you with a list of things that, apparently, people who are from new jersey are proud of. i have edited the list severely as it seems jerseyites are quite proud of some very banal things. i left in the ones that made me laugh so hard that i started to weep bitterly when i remembered that i still live in new jersey. i have also included comments after each delightful morsel of useless information.

enjoy. (please ignore any formatting issues. blogger was not being nice to me this morning.)

New Jersey is a peninsula. three out of four sides bordered by water…just more stuff for us to pollute!

Highlands, New Jersey has the highest elevation along the entire eastern seaboard, from Maine to Florida. it's only 200 ft. i looked it up.

New Jersey is the only state where all of its counties are classified as metropolitan areas. i really don’t find this “brag-worthy” material. it is, however, a little depressing.

New Jersey has more race horses than Kentucky. we also have more strip malls than we have trees.

New Jersey has more Cubans in Union City (1 sq mi.) than Havana, Cuba. replace the word “cubans” with “people,” then “union city” with “new jersey” and “havana, cuba” with “anywhere at all” and that sentence is still true.

New Jersey has the densest system of highways and railroads in the US. since we are the most densely populated state, this would make sense, no? and why are we so proud of all our pavement?

New Jersey has the highest cost of living, the highest cost of auto insurance and the highest property taxes in the nation. did we also mention that we have an extraordinarily high number of residents fleeing the state for cheaper housing and (literally) greener pastures? shocking yet true.

New Jersey is home to the original Mystery Pork Parts Club: Taylor Ham or Pork Roll. oh, now this is surely something to be proud of: nasty meat made of garbage and fat. yum! thank you, new jersey!

North Jersey has the most shopping malls in one area in the world, with seven major shopping malls in a 25 square mile radius. independent stores suck! i want overpriced, mass-produced crap that i have to obtain by dodging millions of teenagers that have zero respect for other people’s personal space and slow-moving adults doing the “mall stroll.”

New Jersey is home to the Statue of Liberty and Ellis Island. but the whole world thinks they belong to new york so this statement just makes us look bitter as well as possessive, jealous and territorial.

New Jersey has 50+ resort cities & towns; some of the nation's most famous:
Asbury Park , Wildwood, Atlantic City, Seaside Heights, Long Branch, Cape May. they’re also among the nation’s shittiest resort cities & towns. don’t ever go to any of them (except maybe cape may during off-season). i promise you will be disappointed.

New Jersey has the most stringent testing along its coastline for water quality control than any other seaboard state in the entire country. this practice is a must when medical waste is occasionally dumped into the ocean. no kudos should be given for this.

New Jersey is a leading technology & industrial state and is the largest chemical producing state in the nation when you include pharmaceuticals. LARGEST CHEMICAL PRODUCING STATE: that is all anyone will take away from this meaningless fact.

In 1642, the first brewery in America opened in Hoboken. and we’ve turned the original building into an olive garden! (i don’t know if this is really true but it sounds like something we would do.)

The famous Les Paul invented the first solid body electric guitar in Mahwah, in 1940. and we’ve turned his studio into an outback steak house!

New Jersey is a major seaport state with the largest seaport in the US, located in Elizabeth. Nearly 80 percent of what our nation imports comes through Elizabeth Seaport first. it smells just great there too!!

New Jersey is home to one of the nation's busiest airports, Newark Liberty International. “busy” just means that you need to get there 2+ hours in advance to make sure you don’t miss your flight. that is, of course, if it hasn’t been cancelled or delayed.

George Washington slept there. at the airport?

Several important Revolutionary War battles were fought on New Jersey soil, led by General George Washington. yeah, yeah, yeah. we were one of the stupid 13 original colonies. get some new material.

The light bulb, phonograph (record player), and motion picture projector, were invented by Thomas Edison in his Menlo Park, NJ, laboratory. an enormous stone monument with a (stone) light bulb on top stands in his honor in my hometown of Edison. it’s a beautiful sight. really makes you wanna go home and turn on all your lights.

New Jersey also boasts the first town ever lit by incandescent bulbs. leaders in the global warming movement even back then…how nostalgic.

New Jersey has the largest petroleum containment area outside of the Middle East countries. you should see the beautiful holding tanks. when the sun is setting behind them and the light shines through the pollution, oh, it’s like a postcard, i tell ya.

The first Indian reservation was in New Jersey, in the Watchung Mountains. not only did they steal their land but they made them live in jersey?? those guys went straight to hell. (by the way, watchung mountains? try watchung hills.)

New Jersey has the tallest water-tower in the world. (Union, NJ!!!) holy crap! start planning the vacay now! i must see this water tower!! (btw, i live just minutes from it if you’d like a place to stay during your visit.)

The first drive-in movie theater was opened in Camden, NJ. you’d think this would be a nice piece of history to keep alive but, no, we’ve shut it down. i’m sure it’s the sight of a walmart now.

New Jersey is home to both of 'NEW YORK'S' pro football teams! they should just make us part of new york. clearly we have some sort of inferiority complex and feel the need to claim all their stuff. while it is true that both the giants and the jets actually play in jersey, who really gives a crap? i remember in the 80's someone went through the trouble of making new t-shirts that said "new jersey giants" on them. didn't really take off like they thought it would...

The Great Falls in Paterson, on the Passaic River, is the 2nd highest waterfall on the East Coast of the US. just don’t touch the water. your skin will fall off.

the one thing that should have been mentioned about new jersey but was shamelessly left out: rev. run lives there!! it just may be the only thing about the state that can make me say "i'm proud to live in new jersey." i hope you enjoyed this educational post and that you learned some things that you should immediately forget. i definitely enjoyed sharing it.