the more things change...

song of the day: born to run -- bruce springsteen

"baby, this town rips the bones from your back

it's a death trap, it's a suicide rap

we gotta get out while we're young"

(it helps if you play the clip while reading...no, seriously. it adds a nice touch.)

i've come across my blog again after over a year of silence. i have no excuse this time but i wanted to see if i had any unfinished posts that i could spruce up and send out into the blog universe to jump start me to write again. the following is the most recent draft i had written. it was last edited on november 7, 2009 and i haven't touched it. what shocked (and pleased...and also depressed) me the most is that i could have written it today. it just goes to show i've been right all along...and it's just a matter of time:

well, it's about that time again. you know, when i return to my blog after months of silence. i started this thing two years ago and i can't quite remember why. a lot of my early posts had to do with my severe dislike of the state of new jersey, the people who live here, the aggravating things they do, the smell, etc. then it morphed into a journal-esque type of blog with posts that bordered on "too much information" topics, focusing on my search for something that i have yet to find. i find myself now wanting to combine the two halves into one topic: i'd like to place the blame of my "seeking-yet-never-finding" months on the years i've spent in a state that i am now beginning to realize i have no business living in.

i am a proverbial fish out of water. new jersey is where i was born and raised. it's also the place i fled for almost nine years: the first four were for college, the last five were to try to find some sense of myself in portland, oregon. now i've been back for almost five years and i have never felt more out of place in my life. why is that? isn't this my "home?"

i was born into a sea of adults and, from an extraordinarily early age, i desperately wanted to be one. i wanted to fit in with my family, to understand and be able to contribute to the conversations that were going on around me. but i knew nothing about having a job, buying a car or being in a relationship. my most used phrase at the dinner table was "can we change the subject?" from my perspective, i was an outsider from the beginning. an afterthought. a nuisance. a burden. i assumed my addition to this already up-and-running family was a surprise. i found out at age nineteen, after reading a paper my mother wrote just months before becoming pregnant with me, that i was an accident. i remember not being particularly shocked but the words still stung. i actually have them memorized. sometimes my memory serves me far too well.

the state of new jersey holds a similar struggle for me. i have never quite felt at home here, despite the fact that i was born and raised in the heart of the garden state. i liken my history with new jersey to that of an abusive relationship. i try and try to make it happy. maybe if i change this about myself or if i say this instead of that. perhaps if i wear these shoes or drive this car, then it will love me, accept me, treat me with the respect i've been waiting for. but inevitably, new jersey pushes me down, spits in my face and makes me wonder once again, "what the hell am i doing here?"

damn...should i be in therapy or what? all jokes aside, this blew me away. is it dramatic? hell yes (hey, i'm trying to hold interest here). is there truth at the core? also yes. it's the kind of ballsy truth i need to man up and tell myself every now and then. to remind myself that i can't stay here for too much longer without sacrificing my heart, soul and sanity. what else can i say? this jersey girl was born to run. again.