the church of bally's

quote of the day:

so i walk up on high
and i step to the edge
to see my world below.
and i laugh at myself
as the tears roll down
cuz it's the world i know.
-collective soul--"the world i know"

well, well, well...i have been absent from this blog for quite some time again, haven't i? i realize i left on a strange note last time. quite the cliff-hanger, really. i would apologize but i must admit that i haven't really been in the mood (or had the time) to post an update to what seemed to be a "girl-in-crisis" type of post. in addition to my mood and lack of time, i was also a little apprehensive to move on from that last post because i wasn't really sure how much had changed since then...at least in a significant way...or significant enough to write a whole new post about it. i also didn't want to cheapen what i was going through by mentioning it too often. i have this theory that the less you pay attention to something, the more it grows. my attempt to ignore my progress has worked for the most part...ahh, but having just mentioned it, perhaps i will regress. i doubt it. i'd like to think i'm stronger than that.


so i just finished spring semester yesterday. i took my last class final ever for this program. this is tremendous news, let me assure you. it marks the end of actual "classes" and marks the beginning of reviewing 2 years worth of information in order to take the registry in august (the final of all finals). i'll still have a clinical rotation and review classes during the week, but no more new material will be entering my brain, which is a relief, because my brain feels pretty full at this point. so, since i'm officially on break, this is my first full day with no schedule and there will be 10 more to follow. most people would be rightfully stoked...me, on the other hand, well...


don't get me wrong, i'm happy to have this time off. ecstatic really. but, to be honest, i don't really know what to do. i am schedule-free for this week, a concept that both excites and terrifies me. see, i'm a schedule girl. i like things in order. i'm not experienced with on-the-fly, spontaneous decisions. i start to get nervous when i don't have anything going on. in fact, i'm "happiest" (and i use this term loosely as i believe it is false "happiness" i'm dealing with) during the week when i have classes and clinical and tests and homework to occupy my time. by the time friday rolls around, i start to get anxious. most people can't wait for the weekend because it's time they get to have to themselves to do whatever they please. i, however, don't think this way. i seem to have acquired a fear of free time. i must be moving or sleeping to remain calm; those are my two options. and, i must say, it's the strangest and most aggravating thing about my personality. why can't i enjoy this? i deserve to enjoy it. i've worked hard the past 2 years, probably harder than i needed to, but that's just the way i'm wired. after all, i am a perfectionist with both a fear of failure and a fear of success. (aren't you at least a little bit glad you're not me? go ahead. you can say it. i won't be angry. in fact, how can i blame you?)


on the plus side, i do recognize that i have issues. (and knowing is half the battle: GO JOE!) looking back, i've realized that i've been this way for a while. i have a problem being still. it almost depresses me. i feel a constant need to do things and go places and have an agenda. so i've been trying to satisfy my restless brain by distracting it with outings. (hey, if you can't beat 'em, join 'em, right?) problem is, i don't have much money to spare these days so i am trying to find cheaper things to keep me on the go. things like the gym, for instance. yes folks, you heard it here first, i've joined a gym. crazy!

well, i was originally looking to take a yoga class. i heard that it's relaxing as well as a good form of exercise which sounded like it was right up my stressed-out alley. i wanted to find a class in a yoga-type establishment but i found out all too quickly that it was way out of my price range. it then occurred to me that yoga is pretty popular these days and that maybe a gym would offer classes (i don't know why it took me so long to figure that out...but it did). i knew it wouldn't be the same as taking a yoga class in a specifically-for-yoga place: the class would be bigger, the lights would be brighter, the sound of weights being slammed down would resonate through the non-echo-proof studio. but if it was significantly cheaper, i would deal. i looked it up online and, sure enough, there was a gym just 3 miles from my house that offered a yoga class. so i signed up and now, just when i thought my world couldn't get any stranger, i'm there pretty much everyday. i know! it's like the world just turned upside-down! i love the yoga class. i actually can't even express my love for it, that's how deep it runs (and i'm not even being sarcastic, if you can believe that). i've also become a huge fan of the elliptical. i try to go 6 days a week and i'm doing pretty well with keeping that commitment. in fact, i think i'm becoming addicted. there's just something about this particular gym that makes me feel at peace. it's really quite strange (especially for me...i haven't always been the biggest fan of exercise).

and though it sounds odd that i seem to have found some sort of peace at the gym, i'll take it. i've been seeking out peace wherever i can find it these days and when i find it, i try not to question how it got there. my tendency has always been to analyze everything until it ceases to exist or until i break it down so much that it loses all of its appeal. i'm trying to let that go, that part of my brain that must know "why" or "how" or "where" or "when." the little news reporter in my mind needs to take an extended vacation so that maybe i can finally get some rest.

i'm starting to learn that not all questions need to be answered. hell, not all questions need to be asked. it has come to my attention that my once natural curiosity has grown into an obsessive, controlling need to solve every problem, unlock every door and ace every test. in theory, it sounds like i have good intentions, like i have some grand scheme to be the best that i can possibly be. i sound like a commercial for the army, for god's sake. some may think there is nothing wrong with being this way. it appears to be quite noble of me to want to live such a perfect existence. but if you were in my head, if you could see the absolute turmoil this creates in my brain, you might have another opinion. i question everything i do, everything anyone else does, things i think i should have done, things that i wish i hadn't done, and so on and so forth. this is why i am stalking peace like tom stalked jerry. these types of thoughts just can't be good for me. through yoga and some books i've been flipping through, i've learned that everyone has these thoughts. the difference is that some people don't hear them screaming at them as loudly as i do. other people chose not to listen. i would love to be that way. i don't know if it's possible to turn off my mind but i do know it's possible to say to it, "please shut your pie hole. i'm attempting to live my life here." so...i'm working on it.

and that, my friends, is where i am right now. better than before, but hopefully not quite as good as tomorrow.

namaste.